Song Listing:
"Pick Pickler" - Kellie Pickler
"The Underpimped Tango" - Bucky Covington & Melissa McGhee
"Sing 'Em Up Style" - Paris Bennett & Janay Castine
"Diabetes Sex" - Mandisa & Elliott Yamin
"Kill Constantine" - Katharine McPhee
"V.F.T.W." - Kevin Covais & the Vote for the Worst Choir
"Bucky's Secret" - Bucky Covington
"Battlebots" - Paris Bennett & Lisa Tucker
"It's Simple When You're Pimped" - Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks & Ace Young (w/ Fantasia)
"Segregation" - Nigel Lythgoe
"The Spazz Hicks" - Taylor Hicks, Mandisa & Elliott Yamin
"No Gay But McPhee" - Katharine McPhee & Kellie Pickler
"Chicken Little, Pack" - Kevin Covais, Bucky Covington & Lisa Tucker (w/ the Idolettes)
"Self-Destruct" - Lisa Tucker & Ace Young
"Jailbreak" - Melissa McGhee
"Blow-hemian Rhapsody" - Constantine Maroulis & Lisa Tucker
"Ode to Becky O'Donahue (Kevin's Mom Is An Ugly Bitch)" - Melissa McGhee, Jose "Sway" Penala & Kinnik Sky
"There's Blood in My Snatch (and a Ford Focus in My Heart)" - The American Idol Top Ten
"I Don't Care That Lisa's Dead" - Mandisa & Katharine McPhee
"Idol Nights" - Katharine McPhee & Ace Young (w/ The American Idol Top Eight)
"When You Date An Idol Star" - Kellie Pickler
"Mantrap" - Paris Bennett
"I Can't Sing" - Bucky Covington & Chris Daughtry
"They're Just Jealous" - Kevin Covais & Melissa McGhee (w/ Jose "Sway" Penala & Kinnik Sky)
"Boring" - Chris Daughtry (w/ The Random Diva Choir)
"Hit Me With Your Best Plot" - Melissa McGhee
"Mandiszilla the Frenchie Killa" - Elliott Yamin
In the spirit of my poor late "I, Janaybot" (which I admittedly got too damn lazy to finish), I'm gonna try a new experiment. But y'all need to play, too, because like the great Velma Kelly, I can't do it alone.
With that said, let's start:
ACT I, SCENE i
[Int. American Idol studio. All is dark and empty. Finally, we see a spark of light as KELLIE PICKLER lights a cigarette, sitting on the end of the stage and looking out into the rows upon rows of empty seats. She takes a long drag and moans. Enter ELLIOTT YAMIN. KELLIE sees him and quickly snuffs the cigarette.]
KELLIE: Fuck! I mean... gosh giddly garn it, whatcha doin' here, Ell-yutt?
ELLIOTT: I forgot my insulin pump. I have diabetes, you know.
KELLIE: Dye-a-beets? 's that whatcha do with beets on Easter? Ahyuck!
ELLIOTT: You're... you're joking, right? You have to know what diabetes are.
KELLIE: Naw. Ah'm just a simple cuntree girl from Georgia --
ELLIOTT: North Carolina.
KELLIE: North Kay-ro-lahna, right. I dunno mah right from mah left. Ain't it adorable? Check it out, ah got tay-ran-choo-las on mah face!
ELLIOTT: Kellie... I know you're putting on an act. You don't have to pretend around me.
KELLIE: Whatcha mean, Ell-yutt?
ELLIOTT: I saw the pictures.
KELLIE: Pick-a-chers? Back in Albemarle, we all sit fer oil paintings!
ELLIOTT: See, that's what I mean. That's absurd. How do you expect anyone to believe that?
KELLIE: It's not mah fault ah'm not all smart like yew.
ELLIOTT: Kellie, the pictures... I mean, come on. I could see your pubes through your dress.
KELLIE: Pee-yubes? What're --
ELLIOTT: Stop, Kellie. Just stop. You shouldn't pretend. I'm just saying you're a tad... promiscuous. I'm not saying you're some slut who blew off all the producers to get your spot on the show or anything.
KELLIE: Hey, just ONE, and it was because there was ketchup on his dick and I was getting it off!
[Pause. ELLIOTT looks smug and KELLIE looks betrayed.]
KELLIE: Ah mean... ahdunno whatcher talkin' 'bout.
ELLIOTT: I'm not stupid, Kellie, although I do have diabetes, you can be sure of that; I know your secret. You're not even from North Carolina. You're from Connecticut, aren't you?
KELLIE: No!
ELLIOTT: You don't eat raccoon at all, do you?!
KELLIE: Lies! Horrible, horrible lies!
ELLIOTT: In fact, I bet that's not even your natural hair colour!
[KELLIE slaps ELLIOTT. Long pause. Enter KATHARINE McPHEE, unseen by the others. She lurks in the shadows.]
KELLIE: I don't need to listen to this. I'm a fucking mink. Simon said so.
ELLIOTT: Are you, Kellie? Are you?
KELLIE: Yes.
ELLIOTT: But ARE YOU?
KELLIE: Yes, I am.
[Pause.]
ELLIOTT: I have diabetes.
KELLIE: Fuck off.
[Exit ELLIOTT. KATHARINE follows him offstage. Exit KATHARINE. KELLIE is all alone onstage now. She lights another cigarette.]
KELLIE: That was a little too close for comfort (yet another song, mind you, I'm incapable of singing due to my horrendous lack of range). I'll have to be more careful next time.
[A single spotlight forms around KELLIE, and a piano starts playing in the distance.]
KELLIE: No one can discover my horrible plan... or else... it's just... I can't... [singing] America thinks I'm swell...
They do...
America just can't tell...
Just who...
I re-ally aaaaa*crack* oh shit, mah dad-gum voice broke!
[The piano music turns into a lively orchestra.]
KELLIE: [singing] And the recipe for success-ipe is simpler than it seems,
All you need to do is get someone who will pimp you beyond all reason-able means!
Cuz' America isn't fair-ica, 'least not like they claim to be
So eat it Kinnik, and Ayla's a freak, 'cuz the top twelve is mah dest-i-nee!
They picked Pickler!
(Yes, Pickler!)
Pick Pickler!
(Kellie Pickler!)
Like Carrie Un-der-wood except about a third-as-good!
Yeah, pick Pickler!
(Pick Pickler!)
Pick Pickler!
(Kellie Pickler!)
I'm so ho-mo-gen-ized and everything I-say-is-lies, although I'm totally-de-spised by everyone with-ears-and-eyes but I hope you would pick Pickler if you coooould!
But the payoff is that Nigel's office is roomy, neat and clean,
So when I'm going down I'm not wearing a frown to make sure that I'm guaranteed top three!
Yeah, it's not fair-ica, but tell me where-ica, a girl with no talent can get some cash,
So until that day I've simply gotta say, that anyone who hates on me can kiss my aaaaaash!
And pick Pickler!
(Yes, Pickler!)
Pick Pickler!
(Kellie Pickler!)
My presence is-like-wood, I've gotten further than-I-should!
Yeah, pick Pickler!
(Pick Pickler!)
Pick Pickler!
(Kellie Pickler!)
Cuz' I'm a vapid little whore, and my singing is a bore, and although you must deplore, that by Simon I'm adored, and when I sing he is floored, though I'm spectacularly poor, but I hope you don't abhor, that I just won season four, but when I win again you'll groan and bitch and moan but it's already all been seeeeewn - so pick up the phone, dial 1-866-KEL, and cast your vote for Pickler if you woooould!
I hope you would pick Pickler if you could!
[Jazz hands. Blackout.]
ACT I, SCENE ii
[Int. Backstage. ELLIOTT is at a vending machine, purchasing a soda. Soon after he's done, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and is greeted by a swift punch to the face from KATHARINE.]
ELLIOTT: What the -- ?
KATHARINE: Stay away from Kellie!
ELLIOTT: Ow! You can't do that! I have diabetes!
KATHARINE: Then why the hell did you just buy a soda?
[Confused pause.]
KATHARINE: Whatever. Stay away from Kellie, or you'll get it. She is a dainty little cupcake and she doesn't need to get in with trolls like you. Look at you! Your face is like a can of smashed assholes!
ELLIOTT: Oh, what are you, her girlfriend?
KATHARINE: I... [flustered] I'm here to protect her from jerks like you! So stay away, got it?
ELLIOTT: Fine, fine. I get it. Soda?
KATHARINE: No thanks, it's bad for the baby.
ELLIOTT: Baby?
KATHARINE: Baby? What baby? I'm not having a baby!
ELLIOTT: Oh.
[Pause.]
ELLIOTT: I have diabetes.
KATHARINE: Fuck off.
[KATHARINE punches ELLIOTT in the stomach, then storms out. Exit KATHARINE. Blackout.]
If anyone wants to continue that, go nuts. Kisses, whores. ;)
ETA: Actually, I'm anal retentive. Let me do this one on my own for now. >_> I'll probably call for help later. >_>;;
ETAA: Actually, fuck it. Everyone, post whatever you like. The more the merrier. Let's take this fucker to the top.
"Pick Pickler" - Kellie Pickler
"The Underpimped Tango" - Bucky Covington & Melissa McGhee
"Sing 'Em Up Style" - Paris Bennett & Janay Castine
"Diabetes Sex" - Mandisa & Elliott Yamin
"Kill Constantine" - Katharine McPhee
"V.F.T.W." - Kevin Covais & the Vote for the Worst Choir
"Bucky's Secret" - Bucky Covington
"Battlebots" - Paris Bennett & Lisa Tucker
"It's Simple When You're Pimped" - Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks & Ace Young (w/ Fantasia)
"Segregation" - Nigel Lythgoe
"The Spazz Hicks" - Taylor Hicks, Mandisa & Elliott Yamin
"No Gay But McPhee" - Katharine McPhee & Kellie Pickler
"Chicken Little, Pack" - Kevin Covais, Bucky Covington & Lisa Tucker (w/ the Idolettes)
"Self-Destruct" - Lisa Tucker & Ace Young
"Jailbreak" - Melissa McGhee
"Blow-hemian Rhapsody" - Constantine Maroulis & Lisa Tucker
"Ode to Becky O'Donahue (Kevin's Mom Is An Ugly Bitch)" - Melissa McGhee, Jose "Sway" Penala & Kinnik Sky
"There's Blood in My Snatch (and a Ford Focus in My Heart)" - The American Idol Top Ten
"I Don't Care That Lisa's Dead" - Mandisa & Katharine McPhee
"Idol Nights" - Katharine McPhee & Ace Young (w/ The American Idol Top Eight)
"When You Date An Idol Star" - Kellie Pickler
"Mantrap" - Paris Bennett
"I Can't Sing" - Bucky Covington & Chris Daughtry
"They're Just Jealous" - Kevin Covais & Melissa McGhee (w/ Jose "Sway" Penala & Kinnik Sky)
"Boring" - Chris Daughtry (w/ The Random Diva Choir)
"Hit Me With Your Best Plot" - Melissa McGhee
"Mandiszilla the Frenchie Killa" - Elliott Yamin
In the spirit of my poor late "I, Janaybot" (which I admittedly got too damn lazy to finish), I'm gonna try a new experiment. But y'all need to play, too, because like the great Velma Kelly, I can't do it alone.
With that said, let's start:
ACT I, SCENE i
[Int. American Idol studio. All is dark and empty. Finally, we see a spark of light as KELLIE PICKLER lights a cigarette, sitting on the end of the stage and looking out into the rows upon rows of empty seats. She takes a long drag and moans. Enter ELLIOTT YAMIN. KELLIE sees him and quickly snuffs the cigarette.]
KELLIE: Fuck! I mean... gosh giddly garn it, whatcha doin' here, Ell-yutt?
ELLIOTT: I forgot my insulin pump. I have diabetes, you know.
KELLIE: Dye-a-beets? 's that whatcha do with beets on Easter? Ahyuck!
ELLIOTT: You're... you're joking, right? You have to know what diabetes are.
KELLIE: Naw. Ah'm just a simple cuntree girl from Georgia --
ELLIOTT: North Carolina.
KELLIE: North Kay-ro-lahna, right. I dunno mah right from mah left. Ain't it adorable? Check it out, ah got tay-ran-choo-las on mah face!
ELLIOTT: Kellie... I know you're putting on an act. You don't have to pretend around me.
KELLIE: Whatcha mean, Ell-yutt?
ELLIOTT: I saw the pictures.
KELLIE: Pick-a-chers? Back in Albemarle, we all sit fer oil paintings!
ELLIOTT: See, that's what I mean. That's absurd. How do you expect anyone to believe that?
KELLIE: It's not mah fault ah'm not all smart like yew.
ELLIOTT: Kellie, the pictures... I mean, come on. I could see your pubes through your dress.
KELLIE: Pee-yubes? What're --
ELLIOTT: Stop, Kellie. Just stop. You shouldn't pretend. I'm just saying you're a tad... promiscuous. I'm not saying you're some slut who blew off all the producers to get your spot on the show or anything.
KELLIE: Hey, just ONE, and it was because there was ketchup on his dick and I was getting it off!
[Pause. ELLIOTT looks smug and KELLIE looks betrayed.]
KELLIE: Ah mean... ahdunno whatcher talkin' 'bout.
ELLIOTT: I'm not stupid, Kellie, although I do have diabetes, you can be sure of that; I know your secret. You're not even from North Carolina. You're from Connecticut, aren't you?
KELLIE: No!
ELLIOTT: You don't eat raccoon at all, do you?!
KELLIE: Lies! Horrible, horrible lies!
ELLIOTT: In fact, I bet that's not even your natural hair colour!
[KELLIE slaps ELLIOTT. Long pause. Enter KATHARINE McPHEE, unseen by the others. She lurks in the shadows.]
KELLIE: I don't need to listen to this. I'm a fucking mink. Simon said so.
ELLIOTT: Are you, Kellie? Are you?
KELLIE: Yes.
ELLIOTT: But ARE YOU?
KELLIE: Yes, I am.
[Pause.]
ELLIOTT: I have diabetes.
KELLIE: Fuck off.
[Exit ELLIOTT. KATHARINE follows him offstage. Exit KATHARINE. KELLIE is all alone onstage now. She lights another cigarette.]
KELLIE: That was a little too close for comfort (yet another song, mind you, I'm incapable of singing due to my horrendous lack of range). I'll have to be more careful next time.
[A single spotlight forms around KELLIE, and a piano starts playing in the distance.]
KELLIE: No one can discover my horrible plan... or else... it's just... I can't... [singing] America thinks I'm swell...
They do...
America just can't tell...
Just who...
I re-ally aaaaa*crack* oh shit, mah dad-gum voice broke!
[The piano music turns into a lively orchestra.]
KELLIE: [singing] And the recipe for success-ipe is simpler than it seems,
All you need to do is get someone who will pimp you beyond all reason-able means!
Cuz' America isn't fair-ica, 'least not like they claim to be
So eat it Kinnik, and Ayla's a freak, 'cuz the top twelve is mah dest-i-nee!
They picked Pickler!
(Yes, Pickler!)
Pick Pickler!
(Kellie Pickler!)
Like Carrie Un-der-wood except about a third-as-good!
Yeah, pick Pickler!
(Pick Pickler!)
Pick Pickler!
(Kellie Pickler!)
I'm so ho-mo-gen-ized and everything I-say-is-lies, although I'm totally-de-spised by everyone with-ears-and-eyes but I hope you would pick Pickler if you coooould!
But the payoff is that Nigel's office is roomy, neat and clean,
So when I'm going down I'm not wearing a frown to make sure that I'm guaranteed top three!
Yeah, it's not fair-ica, but tell me where-ica, a girl with no talent can get some cash,
So until that day I've simply gotta say, that anyone who hates on me can kiss my aaaaaash!
And pick Pickler!
(Yes, Pickler!)
Pick Pickler!
(Kellie Pickler!)
My presence is-like-wood, I've gotten further than-I-should!
Yeah, pick Pickler!
(Pick Pickler!)
Pick Pickler!
(Kellie Pickler!)
Cuz' I'm a vapid little whore, and my singing is a bore, and although you must deplore, that by Simon I'm adored, and when I sing he is floored, though I'm spectacularly poor, but I hope you don't abhor, that I just won season four, but when I win again you'll groan and bitch and moan but it's already all been seeeeewn - so pick up the phone, dial 1-866-KEL, and cast your vote for Pickler if you woooould!
I hope you would pick Pickler if you could!
[Jazz hands. Blackout.]
ACT I, SCENE ii
[Int. Backstage. ELLIOTT is at a vending machine, purchasing a soda. Soon after he's done, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and is greeted by a swift punch to the face from KATHARINE.]
ELLIOTT: What the -- ?
KATHARINE: Stay away from Kellie!
ELLIOTT: Ow! You can't do that! I have diabetes!
KATHARINE: Then why the hell did you just buy a soda?
[Confused pause.]
KATHARINE: Whatever. Stay away from Kellie, or you'll get it. She is a dainty little cupcake and she doesn't need to get in with trolls like you. Look at you! Your face is like a can of smashed assholes!
ELLIOTT: Oh, what are you, her girlfriend?
KATHARINE: I... [flustered] I'm here to protect her from jerks like you! So stay away, got it?
ELLIOTT: Fine, fine. I get it. Soda?
KATHARINE: No thanks, it's bad for the baby.
ELLIOTT: Baby?
KATHARINE: Baby? What baby? I'm not having a baby!
ELLIOTT: Oh.
[Pause.]
ELLIOTT: I have diabetes.
KATHARINE: Fuck off.
[KATHARINE punches ELLIOTT in the stomach, then storms out. Exit KATHARINE. Blackout.]
If anyone wants to continue that, go nuts. Kisses, whores. ;)
ETA: Actually, I'm anal retentive. Let me do this one on my own for now. >_> I'll probably call for help later. >_>;;
ETAA: Actually, fuck it. Everyone, post whatever you like. The more the merrier. Let's take this fucker to the top.
