Tigernanama wrote:
FADE IN: Interior. Jail Cell. Estella stands center stage, dressed in gray matronly shift. Standing before her is some sort of troll or boggart, perhaps a jabberwocky. It claims its name is "Ashley."
ESTELLA (pleading): Oh Mrs. Hideous Thing, please stop tormenting me. For years I have washed the DNA out of sheets and towels and broken into Newman Enterprises a thousand times to retrieve files, and when Nick and Victoria came back from Sweden five years older, I never said a thing. And though no one ever heard of me before a few months ago, I assure you I have been with the family for years, and I care very deeply for any random woman, or in your case, "other," that Mr. Mustache accidentally brings home.
"ASHLEY" (Unfurls wings, clenches talons -- saliva tangles from her clicking mandables as she speaks in a tone like gravel): Despair, flesh creature! Thou hast entered mine domestic palace and blamed all thy numerous evils on my lover's blind son! Your flesh shall be rent from your bones with my mighty, freakish hands! I shall suck the brains from your skull for all eternity!
Suddenly an explosion; a bulbous creature appears, its platinum mane shimmering, its tiny, T-Rex like arms ripping a contract to shreds.
NIKKI (clears throat): FUCK. THIS. (Disappears, barbed tail whipping as she vanishes in a burst of brimstone)
"ASHLEY" moves in for the kill, bending the bars open with her scaly thighs -- but what's this?! A champion! An adonis! Sir Adam the Blind! He enters the jail, tripping over Estella's tacks of Evil Maid Monthly magazines, her piles of nightgowns soaked in blood, her Screaming Babies Mix Tape 4, and the manuscript she's been working on, "You Better Believe I Did It All, You Ugly, Ugly Bitch."
ADAM: Begone creatures, for even though I caused you to miscarry and go insane and ruined your credit rating and stole all the erasers from your pencils and let the air out of your tires and tied your shoe laces together and replaced your birth control pills with tic tacs and deleted all of your tivo season passes, you have to understand one thing: I'M SORRY.
"Ashley" shrieks in rage, hissing and spitting, for no one and no thing can stand firm against a Newman apology, no matter how badly formed or stupidly reasoned.
"ASHLEY": Fool! Your precious maid is doomed! Only one thing can save her now!
ADAM (horrified): You can't mean...no! NO! NOOOOOO!
"ASHLEY" (laughing maniacally): Yes! Only when thine lips cross those of another penised-person, may the maid go free!
Adam falls to his knees, cursing the gods above. "Ashley" cavorts, laughing and scratching herself. Estella has retreated to the corner, levelling a cool, evil gaze at them both, anticipating what their hearts will taste like.
(Thanks for indulging me -- I was bored over breakfast)
Tiger, you had me loving this at the first line alone. I was at work reading this and starting laughing out loud like only a crazy person (or sleep deprived, as in my case) could. Thank you for the laughs as they are appreciated.
!"
called while they were getting hot n' heavy. The Mole wondered why he'd be calling but Adam just said it's
because of old school days.
*she's so SICK of the Newmans...Miss Moley.
