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Why can't you plunge it, honey-cakes?

Wrist injury of a temporary nature, or long-term carpal tunnel?

Are there fecal remnants smeared on the porcelain? Because I can understand why you might not want to shove your plunger in there and get it all messy. But don't worry -- plungers and turds go hand in hand. They are, after all, made for each other.

Employ a new strategy if plunging doesn't work for you: fill a bucket with scalding hot water from your bathtub tap. Pour slowly into the clogged bowl until nearly full. It may take a few hours for the water pressure to allow sufficient drainage, but once the water level in the toilet is low again, add more scalding water. Eventually you'll melt the toilet paper AND the turds enough so that they'll start to incrementally slide down the pipes.

Sooner or later you'll hear a satisfying WHOOSH, followed by that swallowing, gurgling sound that means your toilet has devoured your waste material and is ready once again to accept more.

For a more long-term solution I'd have to recommend eating less STEAK and adding more FIBER to your diet.

Now that Halloween is over, you can pick up a few hay bales for cheap. They should get you through the winter, at least.