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Ladies, gentlemen, robots of all kinds, members of the press, and all the fans at home, thank you for coming out today.

I've asked you all here today to (check one):
[_] End my candidacy to be your Supreme Leader
[X] Announce I'm ending my sports career, at least until I become a highly paid TV analyst
[_] Finally quit pretending I know how to spoil Survivor
[_] Announce I'm leaving the White House, so that I can get hired at a lobbying firm before the indictment is unsealed.

As you know, this is the end of a long period in my life. Perhaps even the end of a dream I've had since I was a young child (/robot). That dream (check one):
[_] To crush all humans under my the weight of my iron fist
[_] To get paid millions of dollars to bankroll my steroids, amphetamines and hGH habit
[_] To make it through a season of Survivor without screwing up the weekly picks/ making a bunch of stupid typos
[X] To use the power of the government to line my pocketboot, force others to adopt my religious views, and punish my enemies.

But today, that dream must come to an end. Why must it end so soon? (Check one):
[_] The voters saw through my wafer-thin veneer of giving a crap about them
[X] The league refused to keep hiding all the drug tests I flunked (and/or I've developed an allergy to needles)
[_] I haven't actually watched the show since 2001
[_] I probably shouldn't have dared those reporters to check my phone records/tax returns, after all.

But even as this dream is ending, I'm waking up to the opportunities the rest of my life has to offer. I'm really looking forward to (check one):
[_] Getting to rail against all those stupid bloggers as a well-paid talking head on Fox News
[X] Spending more time with my family/ memoirs/ encyclopedic collection of porn
[_] Watching Lost
[_] Getting a Presidential pardon, so that I can start raking in the cash as a lobbyist.

So thank you all for sharing this part of my life with me, and in closing,
[_] God bless America (destroy all humans)
[_] Go (insert last team played for here)!
[X] Ami doesn't make the jury
[ ] Does anyone know a good lawyer?