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Part 11: What About the Chill'run?

High Point North Carolina: A Few Weeks Before Motown Night:

Lexus the hooker woke up around seven p.m. As she slowly rolled out of bed still sore from last night's tricks, she didn't look forward to her evening of hustling. She pulled on her spandex dress that didn't even cover her cellulite filled ass. "Hey, where the hell my boots at?!" she wondered.



Bobo the homeless alcoholic was rifling through the dumpster behind the Salvation Army Thrift Store and soup kitchen. He pulled on what looked like a rag wedged in between some rusty bike chains and oil cans. As the frayed rag emerged, yellow colored and smelling of piss, Bobo realized that it was actually a sweater that an old lady might have worn. A toothless grin spanned Bobo's face. "I'll gib it to my baby, Fantasia." he thought



On Country Night:

Juanita Barber walked past the grafitti covered sign that used to read "East Compton Downs: A Project of the Los Angeles County Public Housing Authority", opened the gate being chary not smear the freshly spray-painted 187, and pushed open the door to her ground floor apartment. The door had a large hole in it from the search warrant executed on the previous tenants, but Juanita didn't mind since it provided a nice breeze. Juanita removed the grease-covered apron to her Popeye's uniform and plopped on the battered couch, wary of the side with the exposed springs. Juanita reached over to turn on the small 13" television that sat on top of the larger console TV set. Getting nothing but static on the screen, she turned the dial then adjusted the wire hanger and carefully twisted the tinfoil on top of the hanger so that the picture would come in clearer. Twyrone was supposed to hook her up with some free cable, but Juanita hadn't seen him since the day of the sweep.

"Uhwhoa-ah-whoa-ah-oh" chimed the opening credits of American Idol. Juanita opened the door and leaned out,"Ta-mi-ka! Ta-mi-ka! It's on!" she screeched. Juanita heard a thumping noise and saw Ta-mi-ka's supermarket-shoed feet through the openings in the metal stairs. Frizzy haired and out of breath, Ta-mi-ka entered the apartment and began rifling through the Popeye's leftovers that Juanita had brought home. "You got any gizzards and biscuits?" asked Ta-mi-ka.

"Where your chill'run?" asked Juanita, ignoring the obligatory judge banter on the show.

"Alize with her gramma since County has visitation tomorrow and she gonna go see her daddy. Shanantanquita daddy's new girl want to get that DNA test, so they all in New York for the Maury show. Shekinah sleepin'." replied Ta-mi-ka.

Ta-mi-ka poured herself a large glass of Orange Crush then turned her attention to the television. "COUNTRY night! Oh hell no. Switch ova to Girlfriends on UPN!' urged Ta-mi-ka.

"Bitch, please, you think I gots cable or shumptin'?" asked Juanita. "Besides, you know I could sang some Country. I'd sang Jebus Lubs Da Lil' Chill'run."

"Whateva. Yo' dat queen can sang!" said Ta-mi-ka watching George Huff.

"George ain't no queen. He a church boy who love his mama an' all da chill'run!" said Juanita, huffily.

Tamika knew betta. "Heffa, please. That boy be gay as Eric Benet." she said rolling her eyes up into her head, glasses fogged with steam from the dirty rice.

"Shut up already, damn!" said Juanita, chin pulled into her neck and glaring at Ta-mi-ka.

As Fantasia sang, Juanita gazed down at her never to be released CD, Chillin' Wit' Da Chill'run and suddenly felt angry. She knew that Simon, Randy and America din't know singin'. "I can sang!" she thought to herself "don't they know who I am?". Juanita knew the chill'run needed her. As the judges made their comments, Juanita wasn't listening. Suddenly, Fantasia's crazy expression made her sit up and take notice.

"SIMON, YOU DON'T KNOW KLAZZ!!!! I HAVE TO SAY SHUMPTIN' TO SIMON. I HAVE TO SAY SHUMPTIN' TO SIMON. I PROVED TO YOU DAT I CAN DO DIFFERENT THANGS AND DAT I CAN GIT DOWN WIT' THE GIT DOWN SO IT'S OKAY."

Looking at Fantasia, Juanita became enraged. Juanita jumped up spilling Ta-mi-ka's soda and knocking over her picture of black Jesus. Ta-mi-ka's jaw dropped and biscuit crumbs fell to the floor. "We goin' to that show!" screeched Juanita.

Juanita knew that bitch Fantasia would have to pay.

Two days later:

"Share my love, take me for what I am. 'Cause I'll never change all my colors for you..." Whitney Houston's voice rang out as a sad reminder. Buleahmia sat on the black concrete floor surrounded by darkness. The straps of her straitjacket chafed her back painfully. Buleahmia was afraid to move away from the dry spot she had found, not knowing whether the fluids on the floor were tears, blood, urine or worse. A crack of light appeared in the blackness causing Buleahmia to squint. A metal slot in the door clanked open and a crust of stale moldy bread and a rusty metal cup of brown water were pushed through the opening. "No win singing, is just like Bvulgarian prison." laughed a deep booming voice. In her delirium, Buleahmia thought she glimpsed a flash of orange and recognized the voice of her mother Fettacini.



"WOOOOHOOOOOOOO! DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK!" chanted Fatt Rosebowel as he poured the last of his can of Milwaukee's Best into the funnel and watched it travel down the length of the plastic tubing into his teammate's rapidly swallowing gullet. Fatt crushed the can on his forehead. "YEAH BABY! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Drew the fullback had just entered the room carrying a metal briefcase. Drew set the briefcase down on the coffee table, then opened it to reveal vials, syringes and pills.

"This one is pure bovine growth hormone. This one is extra strength rhino testorone, and this little baby here is specially derived from Rosie O'Donnell's prostate." said Drew.

"ROCK ON MAN! ROCK ON!" yelled Fatt, popping open a Pabst Blue Ribbon,"HIT ME WITH THE DIGITS!"



Just before the performances on Motown Night

Juanita was furious. She knew that ho Fantasia from around the way. Her cousin NayNay's sister's daughter Beyontisha was wit' Gtoe now and that trick Fantasia had been all up in their business. Before Juanita's Hyundai had been reposessed, someone had keyed it that day she and Beyontisha had been at the AFDC office. Juanita knew that it was Fantasia, after all, no one else hated her like that. Not to mention that someone else had called out Simon. Prior to that moment, Juanita's exchange with Simon had been legendary and showed Juanita's true star potential and gifted talent. Juanita had axed him "what about the chill'run?" and had made sure that everyone knew who she was. No one could diss Juanita, and that triflin' ho Fantasia was jackin' Juanita's style.

Juanita and Tamika stood in line outside the American Idol studio. She gazed over at two people sitting in lawn chairs. The woman had a large posterboard sign that read "I wanna DANCE with JPL!" had glasses, and wore a t-shirt with iron on letters that said "TarasMommy". Her man wore a matching t-shirt that said "TarasDaddy". Juanita wondered about the poor lil' chill'run Tara and who was watching her. As Simon rolled by in his Rolls convertible, Ta-mi-ka started screeching "Kiss my natural born black ass, Simon!" Simon simply rolled his eyes and rolled his Rolls into the studio lot after running a red light.

Several hours later as the patient fans were escorted into the studio to fight over the few remaining seats, it looked like Juanita and Ta-mi-ka wouldn't make it in. Randy desperately and quickly tried to avert his eyes and pretend that he didn't see them. Juanita spotted Randy sitting over in the judges area, glared at him with an evil gaze and mouthed the words "What about the chill'run, Randy?! What about the chill'run?!" Frightened, Randy immediately summoned a stagehand who escorted Juanita and Ta-mi-ka to seats near the front, in the process screwing over TarasMommy and TarasDaddy.



During Motown Night Performances

Backstage, Jasmine was ready. Phase One of Operation Mind Control was working. First she would win over the judges, then America, then the universe, then the world. Jasmine and her fellow aliens would take over the planet earth since it provided a perfect breeding ground for their fetus flowers. Soon they would bring a end to the backward species known as humans.

Jasmine flipped open her Inter-Stellar Universal Communication (ISUC) device which had been cleverly disguised as a Hello Kitty cell phone.



"Agent 8675309 reporting." she said in a monotone metallic voice.

"Tonight you must locate the other operatives. We will beam down the signal once it has been properly triangulated" said the High Commander.

"Affirmative." replied Jasmine. "Seacrest out."

"Damn, damn, damn!" thought Fantasia. After Fantasia had put the Nair in LaToya's relaxer, she was sure that bitch wouldn't be able to sing. When LaToya's hair began breaking off, vocal coach Debra Byrd felt sorry for LaToya. Since LaToya, George and Boomie were the only contestants who didn't make Byrd want to go home and put her head in the oven, Byrd hooked up LaToya with a fresh new weave courtesy of Paula's own stylist. "At least Simon said it looked like she has a dead cat on her head." smirked Fantasia.

Paula cried as Simon mentioned the dead cat. She remembered her good fried Skat Kat and all the fun they had had dancing and making her "Opposites Attract" video. Skat Kat had helped her out of a k-hole many times. As Paula sobbed, Ryan looked down and asked, "Are you gonna be alright, Paula?"



Fantasia knew she looked good. She had on boots that she had "borrowed" from her girl Lexus and the special sweater that Bobo had given her. Fantasia applied her gold yellow eye shadow to match her piss colored sweater and lots of lipgloss. With her denim patched mini from 5 years ago, Fantasia was unstoppable. She watched as Jasmine pranced over to the Funk Brothers band members, sucking up to them. Fantasia knew that she would have to bring some sho'nuff showmanship to top that.

Jasmine spotted the man with the extra large flower in his hair sitting in the audience. She saw the signs with the many flowers nearby. She sang and walked over to the band forming a perfect triangle between the flowers. She pointed in the air signaling to the high commander to beam down the ray.

Simon felt an electric jolt shoot up his back."Best Performance of the night." he said, no longer able to control his words.

After DianaBenet's mommy adjusted her special skirt made from a red-dyed bedsheet and put more Vaseline on her teeth, Diana scampered on stage and screamily sang her perky song. "DO YOU LOVE ME?! NOW THAT I CAN DAAAAAANCE?!" shouted DianaBenet, meaning every word.

In space, the Alien High Commander hit the mind-control ray on the side a couple of times. "Damn thing's jammed and won't shut off." Puzzled, he flipped the switches a couple of times as nothing happened. As Diana finished singing, he turned the ray around so it pointed away from Earth for a few seconds, then aimed it back towards the American Idol studio.



Fantasia strutted sideways onto the stage doing the Bobo dance. It was hard to walk in Lexus' boots.

"I betcha wonda how I knew.
'Bout yo' plansh to mek me blue.
Witsch some otha gurl ya knew be'fo..."

Fantasia remembered to turn her back to the audience so they could check her fine azz, then go up and give props to the Funk Brothers since the audience ate it up.

After Fantasia finished singing, the electric jolt hit Simon again. "Randy knows and I know that it's more than just having a good voice. That performance proved my point. Superb."

Juanita, filled with hatred, could barely stay still in her seat. Juanita hit Ta-mi-ka, still sleeping from John Stevens performance. "C'mon, we're goin' backstage!"