Scene: production trailer, Nicaragua, Survivor Redemption Island Day 28
Mark Burnett and Jeff Probst have found a BIG issue with this filming cycle. Just then, Les Moonves jets in ...
LM: So, boys, what's your plan for ratings magic this week?
MB: (glumly) Last whimper of a Pagonging. Not even a bit of a move. Rombies won't shake it up.
JP: Sir, I may have boyish dimples, but no one calls me BOY. I'm a man.
LM: a what, and a whose? Jeff, I said you were a c'boy. Relax man.
MB: Zombie-bot followers are handing this game to Rob. As we had planned, but who knew it would be this boring and predictable.
JP: But in a super-exciting thrilling validation of our new twist, Mattsus has survived another truel. We have ratings gold in the Bible Belt if he's redeemed.
LM: If you say so. We'll take our ratings where we find 'em these days. Now what about THIS week? How about #%+$% Phillip? What outrageous antics can we expect from our casting star of the season?
JP: Not much compared to last week. He's on his happy meds. Which reminds me, we need him to find his shorts -- the spa girls are gagging, and not in a good way.
MB: that can be arranged, and we'll make him think he found them with his special agent skills too.
JP: Sir, we do have a problem to report ... we, um, miscounted ... and now it seems we have 11 people left in the game as of Ep 11, well, 10 after the truel.
LM: WHAT? How many do you normally have?
JP: Um, 7. And it gets worse. There's this internet dude named TDT who keeps up a calendar of our game. A few seasons back we found it and now we use it as a template ...
but with the RI twist, we were winging it a bit .... and now we have nine people in the Finale!
MB: (bloody hell, what a screw-up. Not my screw-up, mind you. I am an evil prick, but I am a perfect evil prick.)
LM: say, have you contacted this TDT for help?
JP: yes, he advises us to invent a QUA-druel to fix the excess RI mess, and throw in another double boot tonight. Problem is we just did Double Tribal, and we don't have a third day for another TC.
LM: No good, ratings disaster that'll be. So what's the fix?
MB: I say A TWIST, a most ingenious TWIST!
Mystery package ... we'll throw in the old here's a mystery package --bring it to TC bit. Only used once previously.
JP: Some risk they'll grow a pair of brain cells and vote out Rob. Still, Mariano is on fire this season and I think he'll figure out what we're up to, but we need to signal it in advance.
LM: Is this mystery package twist about #%+$% Phil again?
MB: No, Les, Trust us, Phil's package is no mystery to anyone in camp -- not with those pink baggies.
LM: Jeff, you cannot lose Rob or Phil with this risky twist. It's all about Phil and Rob this season.
Also, I'm still not seeing the entertainment quotient this week. Can we have a new clue for Rob to fool them all with? Speaking of fools, what about the bikini girls? Good footage this time?
JP: oh yeah, we've got log rolling challenge, crotch-cam is gonna be all over this one!
LM: OK, good, but no crotch-cam on Phillip. This is a family time slot. So what's in this mystery package, Mark?
MB: something they'll never expect unless they can count and have watched the Cook Islands AND China season: a quiz and a second vote!
JP: maybe they'll vote off one of the Ometepe?
MB: No such luck. The Rob Kool-aid is too sweet. Unless a Zapatera wins the quiz!
LM: Any chance of that?
JP: Sure, if we write the questions at the last minute for whichever one of the losers is left -- but WHAT do we ask that only a redneck dumbass can answer?
MB: (We're so screwed, not that I would ever say that out loud)
LM: OK, c'boys, tell me again, what is our ratings magic for this week?
MB & JP: Mystery anti-pagonging bad-math-fixing TWIST!
Duel Sort of Winners: MATTsus (he's a PURE hottie) and MIKE (he's a true-blue hot HERO)
Jury Inductee: JULIE (hiding shorts karma gets her)
Immunity Winner: GRANT (he's a HOT beast)
Reward: Yep (Late-breaking OMG pic indicates a treat)
Voted Off: STEVE & RALPH (Dumbish & Dumbass)
LM: I thought you said you could fix this pagonging crap.
MB/JP: OR ... PHILLIP or ANDREA!
LM: Robfaddah is safe then? You assured me after the Russell fiasco ...
MB: No worries.
JP: He's good to go for the Finale, baby.
LM: That TDT guy ... I wonder if we should hire him as a consultant ... if you c'boys keep up with these #%+$% twists, you need someone in this rodeo who can count!
