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Then Fantasia comes out to sing "Bore Me," a song from her latest CD. Contrary to the song's title, she does not, although I've been reading a lot of negative, untrue things about this particular Fantasia performance. Her hair (too red!), her body (too fat! too mannish!), her singing (too screamy!), her everything (too terrifying!) -- nothing is off limits when it comes to people hating this woman.

Meanwhile, I'm here to say they are all flat wrong and that this performance by Fantasia is, and I don't want to overstate my case too much, THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED ON AMERICAN IDOL EVER.

EVER.

First of all, her hair is raspberry Kool-Aid red now. In fact, it looks like she spent the final moments before her performance dyeing it that color and it may bleed out onto her forehead. She's wearing what looks like a black velvet one-piece halter-y pantsuit thing with chains hanging off it and giant hoop earrings attached to her head. She bounds onto the stage hollering, "HERE WE GO! EVERBODYINTHISBUILDINGGETUPONYOURFEETCOMEON!" At this command, the people backstage that you can't even see, people just wandering around being production assistants, are probably obeying her. I feel like not obeying her in this moment might have extreme consequences. Then she yells, "PUTCHAHANDSTOGETHAHLIKETHIS!" and begins swinging her big, muscular arms together and clapping like she's boxing the Incredible Hulk's ears and making him weep in submission.

Singing starts. Between each verse, she throws her body in two different directions at once, lightning-like, employing what may be an invisible Hula-Hoop of her own invention. More singing and more intense body-jerking and wiggling, while the backup dancers go "lah-deh-lah-deh-lah" and try to keep up. They mostly do.

Then there's screaming. It's always in the right place, this screaming. But she screams. And she screams. And points. And glares. And grins. And bumps her grind. And bumps her grind some more. And flares her nostrils. And makes the entire mosh pit of blond whippet girls take 10 steps back, unsure as to where the fire exits might be in case they need to use them in a second. She juts out her big ass, inviting the entire world to kiss it if they can't deal. Cut to Archuleta and Syesha. Thought bubble above Archuleta's head = "Keep the scary devil lady away from me, please."

Fantasia approaches the steps that lead to the floor. She pauses at the top, just as a courtesy, a warning that she's coming down there in a second and you might want to get the fuck out of the way. She runs around on the floor, screams some more and then heads back up onto the stage where a guy on a platform above the stage begins singing a little bit with her. Before the show, when they were searching around for males to keep their distance and sing with her, I wonder if Fantasia said, "You know, I always liked Dumb Donald from Fat Albert. Can you get him to duet with me?"

Except no one had the nerve to tell her that Dumb Donald was a cartoon. So they dressed up this guy like Dumb Donald and now here he is on a platform singing the bridge with her.

Quickly bored with Dumb Donald, she's back to center stage. Now she's going to spin her head completely around in a 360-degree circle and then breathe fire while simultaneously lighting her own farts with it.

Cut to Simon Cowell looking, as they say in England, "gobsmacked."

And then she takes a bow, flashes a giant grin that lets you know that you were not meant to be anything less than flabbergasted and in love with what she just did, and leaves the stage. Seacrest calls her back out to chat. She's hyperventilating. He asks her about her red hair. Her response: "I don't know, Ryan, I just tried it."

Him: "It's subtle, just like you."

Fantasia just laughs. She doesn't give a FUCK.

And this, viewers, is HOW YOU SING.