[MOUSE-HOVER WARNING: REQUIRES READING. But this thread could very well save your IMMORTAL SOUL. Your call.]
This is according to my aunt, who speaks with God on a daily basis. (It's a local call, which most people don't realize.)
She also subscribes to many extreme secular Christian newsletters, one of which is called End Times. They published the date for the Rapture a few months ago and they are sure that the end of the world is really, really, really going to happen this time, even though the exact date has been modified repeatedly and conveniently whenever someone gets it wrong for the last two thousand years.
So, if I remember Revelation correctly, first the Rapture happens, and Jesus returns for one more good laugh, and He takes up all the faithful to go to Heaven with Him and be seriously bored for eternity (Parcheesi tournaments). Then the Antichrist calls together his evil followers and we all get UPC symbols tattooed on the back of our necks (The Mark Of The Beast). Then the Tribulation begins, and the world is thrown into chaos and turmoil and there is pestilence and famine and agonies untold and suffering that will last for 1,000 years (similar to Mardi Gras, so don't worry too much).
I think the Antichrist has been here a while, though. I'm pretty sure he has to be around before Jesus returns. Barack Obama is the Antichrist, FYI. The purple lips are a dead giveaway.
For some reason, however, Auntie Rapture is still doing her spring cleaning. Maybe she just wants to make a good impression for The Lord when He shows up. I bet she is making peach cobbler for Him, too. Jesus likes cobbler, right? I'd think that after being dead for two thousand years, He really shouldn't complain about free food.
Now, naturally, The Rapture isn't really going to affect any of us here at Sucks. I'd recommend staying off the roads on Rapture Day. We've all been warned by those Christian bumper stickers that some vehicles will be suddenly unmanned when the Rapture happens.
Maybe you might want to say goodbye to your Grandma, because certainly at least she will go home with Jesus. But your priest will still be around, and your weekend whores, and definitely your wife and kids and Dick Cheney and Super Nanny.
If you think you want to make a last-ditch effort to ensure that you are taken up on Monday, all you have to do is get saved. This is very easy and requires little effort on your part. Just email Jesus and tell Him that you accept Him as your Lord and Savior and that you are very sorry for worshiping Zeus all these years instead of Him. Send your email to His Yahoo account -- it's the one He checks most often.
For the rest of us, the sinners and the evil-doers and the Mormons and the gays -- it's party time!
Imagine, an entire planet with no more Christians to ruin everything!
You are all invited to an "event" at my place this coming weekend. BYOB: bring your own brimstone. Clothing optional, even for the fat, old people! It's gonna be that kind of world, yes. We won't have to worry about how loud the music is, nor will we have to close the blinds when things get spicy. I've got a vat of silicone lubricant and a fucking ton of Doritos. I'm not supplying napkins -- you can wipe your fingers all over the furniture. After the Four Horsemen Of The Apacolypse arrive, everything is going to be a giant mess anyway, so fuck it.
RSVP for the party. Space is limited.
Sorry for making you read on a Saturday night, but this was urgent. Hopefully most of you aren't too drunk yet and will understand the gravity of this situation.
This is according to my aunt, who speaks with God on a daily basis. (It's a local call, which most people don't realize.)
She also subscribes to many extreme secular Christian newsletters, one of which is called End Times. They published the date for the Rapture a few months ago and they are sure that the end of the world is really, really, really going to happen this time, even though the exact date has been modified repeatedly and conveniently whenever someone gets it wrong for the last two thousand years.
So, if I remember Revelation correctly, first the Rapture happens, and Jesus returns for one more good laugh, and He takes up all the faithful to go to Heaven with Him and be seriously bored for eternity (Parcheesi tournaments). Then the Antichrist calls together his evil followers and we all get UPC symbols tattooed on the back of our necks (The Mark Of The Beast). Then the Tribulation begins, and the world is thrown into chaos and turmoil and there is pestilence and famine and agonies untold and suffering that will last for 1,000 years (similar to Mardi Gras, so don't worry too much).
I think the Antichrist has been here a while, though. I'm pretty sure he has to be around before Jesus returns. Barack Obama is the Antichrist, FYI. The purple lips are a dead giveaway.
For some reason, however, Auntie Rapture is still doing her spring cleaning. Maybe she just wants to make a good impression for The Lord when He shows up. I bet she is making peach cobbler for Him, too. Jesus likes cobbler, right? I'd think that after being dead for two thousand years, He really shouldn't complain about free food.
Now, naturally, The Rapture isn't really going to affect any of us here at Sucks. I'd recommend staying off the roads on Rapture Day. We've all been warned by those Christian bumper stickers that some vehicles will be suddenly unmanned when the Rapture happens.
Maybe you might want to say goodbye to your Grandma, because certainly at least she will go home with Jesus. But your priest will still be around, and your weekend whores, and definitely your wife and kids and Dick Cheney and Super Nanny.
If you think you want to make a last-ditch effort to ensure that you are taken up on Monday, all you have to do is get saved. This is very easy and requires little effort on your part. Just email Jesus and tell Him that you accept Him as your Lord and Savior and that you are very sorry for worshiping Zeus all these years instead of Him. Send your email to His Yahoo account -- it's the one He checks most often.
For the rest of us, the sinners and the evil-doers and the Mormons and the gays -- it's party time!
Imagine, an entire planet with no more Christians to ruin everything!
You are all invited to an "event" at my place this coming weekend. BYOB: bring your own brimstone. Clothing optional, even for the fat, old people! It's gonna be that kind of world, yes. We won't have to worry about how loud the music is, nor will we have to close the blinds when things get spicy. I've got a vat of silicone lubricant and a fucking ton of Doritos. I'm not supplying napkins -- you can wipe your fingers all over the furniture. After the Four Horsemen Of The Apacolypse arrive, everything is going to be a giant mess anyway, so fuck it.
RSVP for the party. Space is limited.
Sorry for making you read on a Saturday night, but this was urgent. Hopefully most of you aren't too drunk yet and will understand the gravity of this situation.
