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To: cookiesandrock@idol.com
From: stagedaddeluxe@mormonmail.org
Re: Inspirational Week

I hear you're singing a song by your favourite band tonight and this makes me very nervous. As you may know I will do anything for my son David to win, this competition is the culmination of all my years training the little bot for talent shows, he has to win or I will have failed and Jeff Archuleta does not like to fail. Now, Nigel has told me I'm not allowed to threaten any of the contestants with crowbars the way I do with him so I will have to resort to the next best thing...bribery. If you deliberately deliver a lackluster performance tonight I will reward your monetarily. Let's be real you're not going anywhere but I need the judges to take you down a few notches, and I'd like to if possible sour public opinion on you. I've picked out a wonderful little ditty for my Archiekins but he will not be hailed as the best of the night unless you screw up. Make it happen and I will have my cronies deliver a briefcase full of money to your room after the Idol Gives Back special.

Best wishes on doing bad, Mr. Archuleta

To: nigelyourmaster@idol.com
From: stagedaddeluxe@mormonmail.org
Re: The fat guy with the comb over

I know you said I couldn't threaten him or any of the other contestants with violence but I cannot believe you cleared a song by his favourite band for him. Are you fucking insane? How in Jesus' good name is that supposed to help Archie? I listened to the song too and it's all powerful and deep and inspirational. I realized your indiscretion early enough that I could work it out with Mr. Cook, I offered him money because apparently you and Kenny are above bribing contestants. There's nothing you can do about it either because you need my little Archie to bring in all the money from little tweens. See to it that Cook doesn't get anymore of his favourite songs cleared in future and be sure to brief the judges on how to give him less than stellar comments, they're not very good at it.

Moving on though I have a few other issues I need to raise with you. This Kristy Lee Cook ho for example, who the fuck is she and why is she gaining momentum? I thought you said she would crash and burn and that know one would vote for her. Now you're letting her sing songs about God, Archie is suppose to have the Religious zealot vote locked up. Do something about her before I have to seduce her and convince her to do bad, she's hot but I'm not that confident in my own looks.

Last but not least that Irish plant. Why did she look good tonight? I specifically told you to make sure her wardrobe got worse, not better. Nobody likes a fat white girl. I must commend you though for making sure the judges critiqued her. I'm still not satisfied with Paula going on and on about her amazing singing talent but a few rum and cokes will change that. I will be glad to see her go in the near future, Archie can then attempt to latch onto the poor Irish alchies vote, perhaps I should have him do a PSA about alchohol to secure the votes. In any case good job bringing her down, we couldn't have a foreigner beat out Archiekins could we.

I'll e-mail you any other concerns I have in the coming days. I'm still trying to figure out what Archie can sing for your stupid Mariah week you English twit.

Sincerely, Jeff Archuleta

P.S. You better sleep with one eye open if I hear one nice comment out of the judges mouth for Mr. Cook ever again.

It would be funny to call in and pretend to be like a 13 year old Archuleta fan who wants to ask him something really simple and then just yell as much crap at him as you can until you get cut off if you get on the show.

I heard the call in portions are pre-taped though so if that happened they just wouldn't include it on the broadcast.