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SEASON 19 - Ep. 1

A little late but since I can't go to Houston to drag foos through the mud in the Survivor Houston Challenge, I guess I'll just do it here in cyber-space…Knocking off some rust here so bear with me…

THE DRAFT

I didn't know if I was supposed to smile or snarl when Russell S. was elected leader of Purple Tribe. On one hand I was like "Dang! We have a BLACK President AND a non-lazy black dude on Survivor??!?! In the same century?!?!? One of the two, in any order, would have been historic, but both? That's crazy talk! Who would have thought the Republicans AND the casting people would all be asleep at the wheel at the same time...? I almost had to pinch myself -- except that would have involved me putting down my drink, which as you know, is a no-no. So when I saw him get elected leader, I was like "Yeah. That's pretty cool. Good luck, bro!"

Then…I remembered that movie "Glory." Col. Shaw was like "Hey, uh, bro. You're the best! They all say it. Let me ask you something... Would you like to carry this flag into battle? It's a great honor, you know."

And Trip was like "Yeah thanks! That's gre...Wait...wait...that's a big ass flag, dawg. I thought you meant one of those Sarah Palin flag-pins. How am I supposed to carry that big ass flag AND re-load this big ass musket? And you want me to stand where? In the front? And on top of that, you want me to WAVE the muthafucka around, like 'Hey, don't shoot THOSE guys over there, shoot me! Look, if you give me yo' pistol and that sword, then maybe. But otherwise, I'll just stand here in the back and not get shot. Thanks though." So we shall see. Barack or Glory? 44th President or 54th Massachusetts? Actually, from the sounds of things in this country lately, I guess there's not much difference.

Anyway, I think Russell is in a tough position - a good place to be EARLY, b/c sniping the leader that you just elected would speak volumes about your own judgment and would destroy whatever cohesiveness there is -- but when you start closing in on merge time and the 'under the radar', wanna-be alpha males start spotting and exploiting the chinks in the armor, you become target practice. But he recognizes that the leader is mostly just a figure-head and will always be a target and that's good and it seems that that the Purples actually do like and respect him at this point. I think he'll do just fine…for a black guy.

I do think his around camp leadership skills leave something to be desired though. When they were building the shelter he said "See, it's like we're building a raft! Think of it that way. Think of it as if we're building a raft, then we'll LIFT the raft up! Get it?!?!". I was like, "Uh, yeah, it's just like building a raft...a raft that has a roof...and 3 walls...and it's covered in palm fronds and doesn't go in the water...Also known as a shelter." I think if he had just said "Hey guys, think of it as if we're building a shelter!" it wouldn't have been so confusing to people and everyone wouldn't have needed a swim, and SHAMWOW's mullet wouldn't have gotten in a tizzy. But still, I'd give Russell a B+ for the episode and I expect him to do well -- deep jury (as long as he doesn't steal the wine).


THE #1 DRAFT PICK

Likewise, when I saw Mick pick Jaison as the best swimmer, I have to admit I cringed a little bit. At first, I was like "Did he just hand this foo' the Glory flag? Or was he more like Hannibal from the A-Team picking his B.A. Baracus?" Something about Mick seems very genuine, and I think it was the latter - he was Hannibal picking B.A. So I didn't snarl. Plus, I had read the bios and knew Jaison had played water polo on the U.S. National Team and that he could swim his ass off. But -- he's black. Even black guys that can swim just lose the ability on Survivor (or in the editing room).


WHAT THEY SAID/WHAT THEY WERE THINKING

WHAT THEY SAID:

Jeff: "Mick, why'd you pick Jaison?"

Mick: "I picked Jaison first because he looks like a good athlete."

Jeff: "What do you think about being picked to swim, Jaison?"

Jaison: "Jeff, I am cognizant of the average citizen's misperception that African-Americans are not proficient at aquatic-propulsion due to the assumed lack of buoyancy. However, I was a member of the U.S. Water Polo team. I am very comfortable in the water. In fact, I expect that I shall excel in this Challenge."

WHAT THEY WERE THINKING?

Jeff: "$12 million a year. Plus another Emmy. Suck it Seacrest."

Mick: "Jaison looks like a good athlete and I don't buy into all that stereotype crap about how black guys can't swim. I think he'll do just fine. And if he doesn't and he drowns, fuck it, Tribal Council will be easy…We vote out the dead guy Jeff."

Jaison: "These muthafuckin crackas think I'mma drown in this bitch! I'm 'bout ta show dem da power of the original Nubian King! Black people invented swimmin'! BLACK POWEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!"



John: "I'm swimming against the black dude??? And I'm white? It's all over dawg. I should beat him by at LEAST 45 yards. They are so lucky they chose me to do the swimming challenge because I am a rocket scientist! This means that I am BRILLIANT! Not only am I BRILLIANT generally, but I am highly trained not only in the areas of aerodynamics, but in FLUID dynamics. I have already calculated the nautical vectors and relative tidal velocities, enabling me to determine the optimal angular orientation. That, plus my estimate of the salinity and density of the medium through which I will be passing - water - leads me to the scientific conclusion that I can maximize my aquatic propulsion rate by - SWIMMING IN MY DENIM PANTS! I don't know why Michael Phelps hasn't thought of this...But I won't stop there. I'm a rocket-scientist. Therefore, I will also swim --- IN MY SNEAKERS! If only I had a Hugh Hefner smokers-coat and some ski-boots, I could really go fast. No matter. The black dude will probably drown anyway…"

I like how after John finally gets the key and heads back Jeff yells "IT'S A RACE!" then they cut to the aerial shot and there's a 30 yard gap...Jeff could get a job as a Fox News expert on estimating crowd size… There were 13 trillion people at Glen Beck's march -- at LEAST!


As you all know, I'm aces with the casting and producing people, so in order for me to blog effectively, they send me outtakes of the transcripts before the show airs and sometimes even send me video clips that didn't make the show. Here's some stuff you missed...

CREDIT CHALLENGE

Jeff: "Ok, your job now is to pick the player that has the worst credit."

I won't go through the individual voting but in a landslide-RUSSELL S. WINS!!! And with an equally unanimous vote -JAISON WINS!!!

Jeff: "Wow, that wasn't even close. What do you think about that Russell?"

Russell: "Jeff, I have great credit. I'm a lawyer, make plenty of money, never missed a credit card payment in my life. I have great credit."

Chef Mike: "YOU LIE!!!"

Russell: "Huh?"

Chef Mike: "You got a birf certificate??!?!?" Let me see it!?!? You ain't no lawyer. You coloreds ain't known for swimmin' or lawyerin'. You are a pro-basketball player and a rapper and you like white women and fried chicken!"

Russell: "You lucky you in the other tribe, potna...and so what if I like white women?"

RUSSELL H.

I don't know if anyone noticed this, but there was another guy out there named Russell. Yeah, seriously. If you have TiVo you can pause it - anywhere actually - and you will see him. Anyway, I hope he has some actual game. Barry Bonds is an ass-hat too, but that foo' was in like 17 all-star games, has 7 MVPs, and is going to the Hall of Fame whether you like it or not. Milton Bradley is also an ass-hat. But that foo' is sorry as hell. That foo' just got suspended for the rest of the season - by the Chicago Cubs. The Cubs. If the Cubs don't want you, that's conclusive proof that you suck. They haven't won in over 100 years and they're like, "Milton Bradley, you're not worthy of being on the field with us. You're garbage." So I'm hoping Russell H is more like Barry than Milton. So far, I don't see anything resembling actual Survivor-skills, at least not strategically, and doubt that I will, but hopefully there's at least SOMETHING going on inside that batting helmet.

From the edit however, it's clear the producers love him. As my esteemed colleague Jonny Fairplay reminded me while shooting dice and drinking whiskey in Vegas this weekend, there are 3 cardinal rules that are supposedly grounds for removal if you break them - no making deals about sharing winnings; no hitting or physical violence; and no destroying of other players property. We were piss drunk and I was getting cleaned out on the dice-game, so maybe that isn't true, but it sounded good at the time. Anyway, if they sat there and not only let him intentionally destroy another player's property but have applauded it by making that the center-piece of the episode, it suggests that this is the "it" guy this season (as if you couldn't tell by the commercials and Jeff creaming himself every time he mentioned the guy in pre-season interviews).

Anyway, I actually watched the episode twice so I could blog, and the 1st time, I bought into all the villain hype too. On 2nd review, I actually don't think he's that bad…yet. What he's doing is clearly waaaaaaaaaaay too contrived and sooooooooo clumsily executed - as Fairplay said "IF you're really going to use the 'stir shit up' strategy (which is an actual strategy - it happened at Casaya during my season) you don't stir the shit up then stand there right there in the middle w/ a big ass smile on your face when the shit goes down. But he didn't get a single vote or even a single confessional from someone talking about how evil he is, which suggests that it wasn't nearly as big a deal as the editors made it seem OR that the editors are just really protecting him. And I thought the way he got Marisa out of there in spite of having every woman distrust him and know he was talking to everyone, while not masterful, was at least an intentional and affirmative move and it was something he actually orchestrated, showing that he at least gets it (I think/hope).

On the plus side, dude is built like a tank and has one of those bodies that is so unique that he's going to dominate some challenges - even other strong guys won't be able to compete w/ him just based on physics. And he looks like a good athlete, not just a strong dude, and he gets that Rocky snarl going when he's lifting and pulling and working in challenges, so as long as he backs up all the dumb shit at camp by smashing foos in challenges, I'd have to call it a push.

Hopefully, his behavior won't lead to a race to the bottom in casting in the future. If he's going to go this far out of his way to be a super-villain, no other villains will ever be interesting again. The audience would be like "Oh, you stabbed that woman in the eye while she was sleeping? Russell would have stabbed her in both, you pussy!"

And dude needs to work on his lying skills. The whole story about how he, as an ex-fireman, is always prepared to escape hairy situations so during the flooding in New Orleans, he grabbed his axe and ran upstairs to find his dog - UPSTAIRS - and the UPSTAIRS room was flooded and his dog Rocky was nowhere to be found. Unless you live at Disneyland or have been smoking a whole lot o' weed, you can't run UPSTAIRS to find a flooded room. Unless it's one of those trickle-down economics style hurricanes where it rains into the house sideways and floods the top floors first, sprinkling the downstairs areas. Could happen I guess…

And he really needs to find an actual strategy. That whole "Hah hah! I now have 5 alliances in 5 minutes! That's never happened before…I wonder why? Hmmm. No matter. Everybody, dey is on my side now! Game over baby! The only way this could possibly go wrong is if anyone else speaks to anyone else sometime in the next 39days! As long as I keep burning up everyone's shit, that will never happen!"

Sober observation: If Russell H's "One Alliance Per Minute" strategy actually works and he lasts long, it will expose that this is hardly a skill game at all-mostly luck of the draw. Might as well just steal the wine, go get drunk on a toilet with your buddy and say fuck it.

By the way, speaking of drinking shit and saying 'fuck it'…if you're going to go through the hassle of pouring out all the water and risking getting caught and getting voted first or being kicked off instantly…why not DRINK the water? I guess that's just me…


CSI SAMOA

Jaison: "Hmmm...I wonder who burned up my sock and emptied out the canteens...Does anyone have a clue?"

Foa Foa (collectively): "Clearly not! None of us has a fuckin' clue!"

Jaison: "Well, I'm a law student, so time to turn on my analytical skills… the culprit will not escape my steel-trap of a mind!!! Let's see--Russell is the only person that had motive and opportunity. Plus, he's the only one that admitted that he did it. Ok, we'll keep him as a possible suspect...In the meantime, let's vote off Marisa…that shady bitch."

I was hoping Jaison would figure it out and finally explode in a fit of rage and pull Russell aside and say "Sir! I find your behavior to be both boorish and infantile! It debases you, insults me, and is generally deleterious to the institution of this fine game. Such hijinks and tomfoolery shant be tolerated in future times! If such behavior persists, I will proceed to get medieval on yo' ass...! It's makin' my feet all ashy, dawg."

Oh well…if they ever put me back out there…I promise someone's ass will get medievele'd on…that didn't sound right, but you know what I mean.


SOME RANDOM STUFF


Most Likely to Own a Tuxedo T-Shirt: Hillbilly Ben

Most Likely to Say "I Ain't No Damn Racist, I Have Lots of the Coloreds Sweeping Up the Kitchen After Me": Chef Mike.

Best Mullet: Shambo. Why is it that this award is always a landslide? Can we ever have an in-season Mullet rivalry, you know, like Magic vs. Bird? I've always wondered whether anyone would ever compete with Denise's Mulletude in Survivor China. She set the bar pretty high, but Shambo has some Alex Trebek multi-colored shit mixed in w/ some Don Sutton curl-style stuff going on. She loses points b/c her Mullet is assisted by the head-band and there's no props allowed in a Mullet battle. Still, if that thing gets wet and gets a little coconut grease in it, watch out Denise, Shambo may be coming for your title.


STRATEGIES

There are some people whose strategies aren't quite clear yet. However, being a genius, I have extrapolated from the sparse empirical evidence and have made some predictions regarding some player's strategies. They follow:

Chef Mike: The good ol' "I'm gonna be so racist that no one will believe it and they will keep me around because they think I'm just being funny" strategy.

Eric: The little seen "I'm just going to run into a tree for no reason" strategy.

Brett: Who?

Kelly: big tits
Natalie: big tits
Ashley: big tits
Yasmin: big tits.

So far, these ladies are executing very well. Keep it up. Please. The first episode was one of the best ever in terms of 'blurred boobitude' and blurred boobs is quickly becoming one of my favorite sub-categories…Next episode, I will be sure to have my box of tissues handy…

NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOOOOOOOOOOOOR!

Russell H makes 14 more alliances, including 2 with igneous rocks and 1 with a very hungry squirrel. Then, having sealed the game -again - Russell H burns Jaison's other sock! Then he puts Icy-Hot (provided by the producers) in Mick's underwear! Then Russell gives Ashley a wedgie! Then he give Elizabeth a wet-willie! Then when everyone is trying to sleep, he makes fart-noises under his arm pit! Then at Tribal Council, he waits til EVERYONE is looking then he puts on his Groucho Marx glasses then tries to put a whoopie cushion under Jeff at tribal council but gets wrestled down by the production crew. Then someone says "You're very immature", and he says "I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I?" INFINITY!" Also on SURVIVOOOOOOOOOOR! Some other players do some stuff too, like talk strategy and compete in challenges…BOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!