1. If you want me to be in a good mood today, it's best not to start out at 7:30 a.m. by calling me stupid.
2. If I tell you the first three times you ask "no" when you want to know if you can help with anything in the kitchen, it means I DON'T WANT YOU TO HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN!!
3. Don't be an ass and stand around in the kitchen after I've already told you there's nothing to help with. I will not hand you anything to do, and you are simply In The Way. So move it.
3. After declining any assistance, don't be an ass and stand there at the table while everyone is already sitting and has started to eat. Get your damn coffee, stop pouting and sit your butt down. Or get out. One or the other.
4. No, it's not necessary to start cooking Christmas dinner right after we finish breakfast. I know you move slow, but it's still only 11 a.m. and we're not planning to eat until 4.
5. Why the fuck did you ask us to get sweet potatoes, adding them to the grocery list, if you were going to go out and get your own?? The corrollary to this is I already TOLD you what we had in the kitchen - it wasn't necessary to bring extra bread, milk, butter, eggs, garlic salt, biscuits and Cool Whip. There's no room in the fridge. I also already planned breakfast and I really don't give a shit if you like those frozen biscuits. We're, no I'M, cooking mine.
6. Since you didn't get to cook YOUR biscuits, don't be an ass and say you're just going to go home and cook the side dishes and bring them over here. Just cook them here so you don't burn yourself bringing that shit back over. No one else is using the oven.
7. You're tired of greenbean casserole? Fine. We won't have it, even though I'm a heathen because it's MY favorite and God forbid I get to have anything at this meal that I've decided on. And by the way - that "salad" that you make that consists of jello, cherry pie filling and Cool Whip? Number one, it's not "salad" and number two, when will you realize that you're the only one who eats it? So take it with you when you go, or forget it altogether.
8. So I've convinced you not to cook at your house and you've decided to take over my kitchen. Don't then ask me which pan you want me for you to use for YOUR recipes. I don't care. No really, I don't. No, I'm NOT doing the potatoes because you already said you'd do them. And the sweet potatoes, and the corn pudding. And the ham. Pretty much all that's left for me is to brown the rolls and refill the butter dish. So knock yourself out. You didn't want my help before, I'm not going to decide which dishes you should use. Oh, and it's a pathetic way to make me feel like I'm actually doing anything. Since you won't let me do anything.
9. What is the point, really, of cooking half hour dishes at 1:30 p.m.? They'll all be cold by the time we're supposed to eat. Unless of course you want to cook the shit out of everything like you did at Thanksgiving. In which case, oh boy! I'm so looking forward to rubberized, dry and/or gloppy shit on my plate. (Oh dear, they're already trying to cook the dressing for an hour and a half! Please, please don't. Didn't you learn at Thanksgiving that anything more than 45 minutes is way too long?
)
10. If you see that I have the paper in my hand, that means I'm trying to READ it. I don't want to carry on a conversation right at this second, because after coordinating all the presenting and the breakfasting, all I want to do is read a little bit of the paper. I don't even want to read the whole thing - just the comics and do the Sudoku puzzle.
11. No, I don't want you to help me with the Sudoku puzzle.
12. Would you PLEASE stop asking me which dishes you should use? I don't care, and no, I don't remember which one we used for what dish at Thanksgiving. Truly, just pour the stuff into whatever it will fit into and toss it in the oven. It's not a jigsaw puzzle, it's just a bunch of casseroles.
*sigh*
I'm going to go straight to hell when I die, I just know it.
2. If I tell you the first three times you ask "no" when you want to know if you can help with anything in the kitchen, it means I DON'T WANT YOU TO HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN!!
3. Don't be an ass and stand around in the kitchen after I've already told you there's nothing to help with. I will not hand you anything to do, and you are simply In The Way. So move it.
3. After declining any assistance, don't be an ass and stand there at the table while everyone is already sitting and has started to eat. Get your damn coffee, stop pouting and sit your butt down. Or get out. One or the other.
4. No, it's not necessary to start cooking Christmas dinner right after we finish breakfast. I know you move slow, but it's still only 11 a.m. and we're not planning to eat until 4.
5. Why the fuck did you ask us to get sweet potatoes, adding them to the grocery list, if you were going to go out and get your own?? The corrollary to this is I already TOLD you what we had in the kitchen - it wasn't necessary to bring extra bread, milk, butter, eggs, garlic salt, biscuits and Cool Whip. There's no room in the fridge. I also already planned breakfast and I really don't give a shit if you like those frozen biscuits. We're, no I'M, cooking mine.
6. Since you didn't get to cook YOUR biscuits, don't be an ass and say you're just going to go home and cook the side dishes and bring them over here. Just cook them here so you don't burn yourself bringing that shit back over. No one else is using the oven.
7. You're tired of greenbean casserole? Fine. We won't have it, even though I'm a heathen because it's MY favorite and God forbid I get to have anything at this meal that I've decided on. And by the way - that "salad" that you make that consists of jello, cherry pie filling and Cool Whip? Number one, it's not "salad" and number two, when will you realize that you're the only one who eats it? So take it with you when you go, or forget it altogether.
8. So I've convinced you not to cook at your house and you've decided to take over my kitchen. Don't then ask me which pan you want me for you to use for YOUR recipes. I don't care. No really, I don't. No, I'm NOT doing the potatoes because you already said you'd do them. And the sweet potatoes, and the corn pudding. And the ham. Pretty much all that's left for me is to brown the rolls and refill the butter dish. So knock yourself out. You didn't want my help before, I'm not going to decide which dishes you should use. Oh, and it's a pathetic way to make me feel like I'm actually doing anything. Since you won't let me do anything.
9. What is the point, really, of cooking half hour dishes at 1:30 p.m.? They'll all be cold by the time we're supposed to eat. Unless of course you want to cook the shit out of everything like you did at Thanksgiving. In which case, oh boy! I'm so looking forward to rubberized, dry and/or gloppy shit on my plate. (Oh dear, they're already trying to cook the dressing for an hour and a half! Please, please don't. Didn't you learn at Thanksgiving that anything more than 45 minutes is way too long?
)
10. If you see that I have the paper in my hand, that means I'm trying to READ it. I don't want to carry on a conversation right at this second, because after coordinating all the presenting and the breakfasting, all I want to do is read a little bit of the paper. I don't even want to read the whole thing - just the comics and do the Sudoku puzzle.
11. No, I don't want you to help me with the Sudoku puzzle.
12. Would you PLEASE stop asking me which dishes you should use? I don't care, and no, I don't remember which one we used for what dish at Thanksgiving. Truly, just pour the stuff into whatever it will fit into and toss it in the oven. It's not a jigsaw puzzle, it's just a bunch of casseroles.
*sigh*
I'm going to go straight to hell when I die, I just know it.
