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Ehhhh, gonna write this as I watch…let's see what I have in the tank, if anything…

SURVIVOR GABON EP. 1

Bob: Normally I'd predict that he'd be the coolest dude out there for obvious reasons, but I'm not really feeling that Bill Nye the Science Guy Tie. But old dudes that climb on top of shit are generally ok with me. My dad is 73 and he still does that stuff.

Gillian: I guess this is the non-racist Scout. I think I'd rather she be racist, that would be less annoying than being a cross between my 3^rd grade teacher and… some other old person that's really, really fuckin' annoying. It's like she's made out of syrup or something. I don't even know what that means. But she's very syrupy. I don't want to pile on though. I'm sure that by now, everyone is talking about how annoying and useless Gillian is and how glad they will be when she's gone, but I just went and read her bio and it turns out she's got some redeeming qualities…just kidding. Heh heh, I kill me.

TO BE DONE…NOW

ACE- This isn't the high-score board of Galaxian. Get a new nickname. Now.

CHARLIE- I don't have a problem with you being gay. But get some bass in your voice. Now!!! Watching this show on 'mute' would suck (no pun intended).

AT CAMP

Ken the Asian Dude: "Hey Michelle! I'm Ken."

Michelle: "Cool! Like the doll?"

Ken the Asian Dude: "No. Like the guy on Street Fighter II, Alpha Edition. You know that guy that wears the red gi, but has a charcoal colored alternate gi. Hey, I know we just met, but do you want to eat some termites?"

Michelle: "Ewwwwwwww! Eating termites is like toooooootally gross to the max!!! I'd NEVER eat that!!!"

Ken the Asian Dude: "Hey, if you eat this termite you'll be like totally HOT! I think that if--"

Michelle: [GULP]!

Ken the Asian Dude: "You ate it???"

Michelle: "Yup! Am I hot yet? Am I?!?!? Please say yes!!!"

Ken the Asian Dude: "Michelle, you are like totally hot! You're hotter than Elayna, the Half Drow/Half Wood Elf Warrior Princess I created in 'War Craft Online' last month. She's 12^th level now…and she's hot!"

Michelle [to self]: "I am sooooooo fuckin' hot."

Ken [to self]: "Wow, Michelle really is like totally hot. She has everything I want in a woman like…tits. And she talks to me. And she listens to me, or at least it seems like she does. And I can't believe that 'you'll be so hot if you eat this termite' shit worked. Next time I'll try something good like "Hey Michelle, if you bend over and spread your butt-cheeks and let me sniff it, you'll be like totally hotter than before!" See, regular people always say that professional video gamers are nerds, but that's so demonstrably unverified based on the terabytes of the objective empirical evidence at our immediate disposal. Only those 'n00bs' that can't get past the 'Lizard Men' on the 3^rd level of 'Baldur's Gate' without losing any 'lives' would think that. I think Michelle is like totally hot and I think she like totally knows that I know all the 'power-ups' in 'Legend of Zelda' and that I know how to get 'Big-Heads' on NBA Jamz with my first quarter AND that I know all the best 'sniper spots' in 'Ghost Recon'. My video-game friends are going to think I'm so cool because I know a girl that's …that's a girl. A real one. Just thinking about how hot Michelle is is making me...feel kinda tingly...like 'Ryu' in 'Street Fighter II, Champion Edition' when he gets stunned from a 'Tiger-Knee, Tiger-Knee, Tiger-Uppercut' combo from 'Sagat.' And hey, what's going on in my shorts? I feel like I'm turning to stone... What's happening to me ???? Am I becoming the 'Thing', like in X-Men for Xbox 360? Or is that Fantastic Four…? I haven't played that in awhile, I hope all my high-scores are still up there!"

ELSEWHERE IN CAMP

Dumb Ass White Dude: "Hey guys, let's put our brains together ok?"

Dumb Ass Tribe Mates [collectively]: "Ok! I like that idea!!!"

Dumb Ass White Dude: "Ok, first things first. Do you know what we need right now, in the middle of the day in Africa?"

Dumb Ass Female Tribe Mate No. 1: "A trampoline?"

Dumb Ass White Dude: "No. But nice try."

Dumb Ass Female Tribe Mate No. 2: "An ironing board? Not a big one, I mean one of those small ones that you can use on the counter in the kitchen?"

Dumb Ass White Dude: "No. You're getting cold."

Dumb Ass Female Tribe Mate No. 2: "Then what?!?!? I'm all out of good ideas."

Dumb Ass White Dude: "We need…FIRE!!! I saw that on Survivor once."

Dumb Ass Female Tribe Mate No. 1: "Fire? Are you like totally mental? How are we going to make fire? We don't even have a bone…"

Dumb Ass White Dude: [Cheshire Cat grin]- "Ta-daaaaaaaaa!"

Dumb Ass Female Tribe Mate No. 2: "Yaaaaaaaaaay! We have a bone! Now, if only we had a random piece of rusty metal. We could make a fire… right?"

Dumb Ass White Dude: "Yes. If we wrap the bone in a towel, then soak it in water, then rub it against the rusty metal, maybe it will get struck by lightning and light some elephant dung on fire."

Dumb Ass Tribe Mates [unidentified]: "Great idea! Let's start trying that plan! Quick, before the commercial…"

OTHER TRIBE (I think…)

*** Ed. Note -I'll get the names straight one of these days. It's hard to keep foos straight now that they went back to the Seinfeld quota system of casting.)

Dumb Ass White Dude 2: "Ok, let's get rid of Michelle."

Randy: "Uh, why is our team better without Michelle?"

Dumb Ass White Dude 2: "Better? What are you talking about old-timer?"

Randy: "Better. It's an adjective. Look, don't worry about it. For now, just remember that when I say something's 'better' it's a good thing."

Dumb Ass White Dude 2: "Oh ok. Well, I think we should get rid of Michelle because she's a boxer and has done a few triathlons, which means she's a good athlete. We don't need that crap around here. Plus, she has a bad attitude and that's what's important at this stage of the game."

Randy: "Well, I understand your point. Kind of. But it's really early. I think we…"

Dumb Ass White Dude 2: "Its not that early. It's already 3 or 4 pm. It is NOT early, old man."

Randy: "Uh…not to be an asshole, but I meant that it's early because this is just the first tribal council."

Dumb Ass White Dude 2: "It is? Hah hah hah!!! I like you old man. I like your style!"

Randy: " …"

ELSEWHERE…

Michelle: "Fuck these people and fuck this game! They are all smelly! Especially that Asian dude."

YET ANOTHER PLACE

Ken the Asian Dude [picking petals from a daisy]: " She loves me…sweet! She loves me not…Dang! She loves me…Yes!!! I better hit 'pause' here and just 'save' my game… Boy, I sure would like to keep Michelle around. I really think she's hot and I have collected 8 more termites. I've never had sex with a woman before - at least not one that wasn't a virtual avatar from the 'Land of the Frost Giants' in 'Elf Quest'-- and there's LOTS of termites out here. If I can gather 25 more termites, seduce her and have sex with her, I will be the KOG!"

*** Ed. Note- KOG = King of Gamers.

TRIBAL COUNCIL 1:

Jeff: "Dan, why are you wearing a tie?"

Dan: "America!"

Jeff: "What?"

Dan: "America. You know, apple pie. Baseball. Not voting for a black presidential candidate no matter what. Wearing this dumb-ass tie during the first of my 15 minutes. I'm the All-American Jeff. You know that. You were there in casting."

Jeff: "Ok, moving along. So, Michelle, what is…"

Michelle: "EVERYBODY IS STUPID!!! And the black guy is lazy again Jeff!"

GC: "What bitch? My shit is crackin! Knowhutumsayin'?"

Michelle: "No! I don't know what you're saying. Stay away from me!!! I hate you! And I hate this old annoying bitch! And all you flying rodeo-clowns with the harps and the polka-dot trenchcoats, you get out of my head now!!! I'm a good person! Leave me ALONE!!!"

GC: "Hey bitch, I just got tired in that challenge. I can't help that. Haven't you ever seen this show before? And on top of that, my shit is crackin!"

Dan: "Yeah, Jeff, I agree, GC's crap is crackling. Besides, it's a known fact -- you can't go 100% of the time 100% of the time. Or something like that…"

Gillian: "Yes you can, yes you can!!!! Si se puede!"

Jeff [to self]: Jesus fuckin' Christ. Lynne, Erika, what have you done to me…Matty, do you look more like Luke Perry or Jason Priestly?"

Matty: "Hey man, I like totally don't know man. I don't know shit actually. Rockin'!"

Jeff: "So, dumbass, clueless, sacrificial, token black dude…I mean, GC. Do you want to be the leader? By the way, the correct answer is 'no.'"

GC: "See Jeff, to be leader you have to be decisive, like me. Well, maybe not like me. Maybe though. Who knows. Anyway, sometimes I think being the leader is a good thing. But sometimes I don't think being the leader is a good thing. But it could be. Maybe it is. But on the other hand, Jeff, maybe it isn't. I'm not really sure. But just because I'm note sure doesn't mean it's not true. But it not being true doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. I mean…you know. I mean, it's crackin out here. Knowwhutumsayin'? And just because I shouldn't do it doesn't mean I'm not a leader. Or that I am the leader. Or a follower. And being decisive is important. Except when it's not. I'm pretty good at Chinese Checkers. I like chicken. But only sometimes…So…"

Jeff: "JESUS GODDAM FUCKIN' CHRIST!!! Yo, do any of you Fang foos want GC to be the leader?"

Fang foos: YESSSSSSSS!!! YAAAAAAAAAY GC!!! GEE-CEE! GEE-CEE! GEE-CEE!!! He's the best! Woowoo!!!

GC: "Then yes, as I was saying…or thinking. Or trying to say… I will be the leader. And if anyone has a sword, can I borrow it? I'd like to fall on it."

[INTERLUDE]

BobDawg Rule: If you get picked as the leader, whether you want it or not, you are not allowed to pucker up like a little ol' beotch and lick your lips like L.L. Cool J then wipe a little ass bead of sweat from your brow like you're Liberace's fluffer. This is why you work on your snarl. When some foos force you into something you don't want to do, you check your nutz and you man up and start walking around like the Undertaker, even if you don't believe it. And get some bass in your voice, damn. And don't drink the wine.

TRIBAL COUNCIL AGAIN

Jeff: "Ok, Michelle voted out 5-1."

Ken the Asian Dude: "Damn! Now I'm never going to have sex…Hey, Gillian. Have you tried termites?"

BACK AT CAMP

Charlie[to self]: "Marcus is so hawt! If we run out of flint, I'll just flame-on and keep him warm… He can have all the protein he wants from me, mmmm mmm…"

*** Ed. Note- Todd was a way better gay dude than Charlie. Coby was still the best though. Then next was that Erik dude that was claiming to be a virgin a couple of seasons ago and got punked by Jaime.

Marcus: "I like you Charlie. I want you to be in my inner circle dude."

Charlie: "Thanks! And I want you in my inner circle too. Right now. I'm like totally about to cream all over myself."

Marcus: "I mean, not like waaaaaay in the inner circle. More like in the gayer-I mean, more periphery areas of the circle. But you're definitely in there. See, I have this thing called the "Onion Strategy." See, there's layers to an Onion. And just like that, there's layers to my alliances, bro. Yes, I probably shouldn't be saying this out loud, but that's how it is. I'm going to play this game by ranking people in terms of whether or not they were probably the 'cool kids' in highschool. That's good Onion material. So no offense, but I want to add some straight guys and some hot women to our Onion. You can't have a gay, lonely Onion that wears a blazer. But you're still in the Onion, Charlie believe that. At the top of the Onion in fact. Well, maybe not at the very tippy-top. But pretty darn close to it. And then on top of that, you're still in the circle too. Just kind of on the outside part of it. But you don't mind being 'out', right? Heh heh. No, I'm not uncomfortable at all, what makes you think that? Here, let me gently punch you in the shoulder then put you in a headlock and muss up your hair, then talk about football, to prove we're tight. And quit looking at me like that…"

BACK AT CAMP

GC: "Man, this leading stuff is easy! E-A-Z-Y, easy! Especially for a young black dude in the game of Survivor. The chips are stacked in my favor, no way I can fall flat on my face by talking too much, especially now that we got Barack Obama runnin' thangs! Barack is crackin! Yeah, I don't know why all the other people that take leadership positions in this game get targeted so early. It's easy. E-A-Z-E-E, easy! All you have to do is tell people you don't know and who are 15 years older than you to go get A) Fruit; B) Grass; C) Some other stuff; 4) Um… ; 5) Water…but don't let them get it...you let them start getting it first, then when they're in the middle of getting it, you swoop in and you get it...then get in an argument about it, that shit always works in this game; and 6) Um….Well, I don't want to seem like I have all the answers so I better let other people come up with stuff. But as long as I remember the 'Golden Rule of Survivor' -- keep saying that every thing is "crackin'" -- no one will get annoyed with me and BobDawg will go easy on me in his blog. BobDawg's blog is crackin!"

RANDOM THOUGHTS

FANG: This tribe sucks.

GC: Glad to see you out there dawg, do your best. They've set you up to fail, but I think you have a shot to do some damage actually. Don't embarass me. Pull your pants up. Stop saying everything is 'crackin'. Don't sleep, ever. I take it back. Drink the wine. Just don't get caught.

Charlie: Quote "Being out here is the best! This is 10,000 times better than my regular life at home."

BobDawg: 10,000 times better? Damn, that sucks.

EXILE ISLAND

Dan: "I don't think it's smart to send the strong guy to Exile Island. Usually, people find the idol based on one clue and that's what I'll have. One clue. I didn't have one before, so this is gonna be cool! I always talk to myself out loud and tell myself that I'm pretty analytical so let me analyticalize this…"

[reading clue]

"It's across a wake…" Hmmm, that could be that land mass over there. But it's "in a sand crater." That means it's in the water!!! Probably right here where I'm standing!!! Let me slam my face in the water and look for it right now!!! [GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE] Whooooops! Forgot to hold my breath…Ok, here, I'll hold my breath, then try again…

[15 minutes later]

"Dang. This sucks. 15 minutes and I didn't find it. I wonder if I can bill for this time. I'll chalk that up to "0.25- strategize and analyze re: clues to idol; be a dumbass about it; give up."

BACK AT CAMP

Gillian: "I'd like to get Ken out of here."

Susie [to self]: "Does this chica expect me to talk or something? Yeah, whatever…I'm going to the final 6 with this 'I don't say or do shit strategy.'"

Ken [using his 'Eavesdrop' perk from 'Call of Duty 4']: "YEAH!!! I hope they DO try to vote me out. I can go have sex with Michelle now!!! I know she's been missing me. I have 12 termites now, so I'm gonna love her long time-like that time I got the 'banana' level of Ms. Pac-Man on my first 'life'! And those 'regulars' don't know that I have a whole bunch of 'credits' -- I can just re-appear on the same board I was just killed on!"

FINAL TC

Jeff: "Jackass. Why are you wearing a fuckin' tie again? You got dressed up for this shit???"

Dan: "Jeff, I don't lie. I wear a tie and I don't lie. And you probably can't tell, but I'm trying to get some acting gigs after this is all over."

BOBDAWG: Ok, that's all I got. I tried. I'm old now. 35. Dang. Not as angry, not feeling very fierce these days. Maybe I should just be more mature and start using my given name. Yes, from now on, I'll go by Robert Dawg. Anyway, Kelly, if you're reading this, I think I'm beating you on Fantasy Survivor so far. I think I picked Gillian to get the boot and I picked her to say that crap about the Elephant dung. And the Mets suck! Let's go Do-yers!

BobDawgsta the Almighty

(fuck all that mature shit...BobDawgsta fo' liiiiiiife, foo'!)