A friend and I wrote this up this summer. Just wanted to share it with people who watch the show! :)
EVERY EPISODE OF LOST SEASON 2 EVER
Previously on Lost: Charlie saying "Guys, where are we?"; Michael screaming "WAAAAALLLLT"; raft blowing up; polar bears; monsters; freaking Marvin Candle; Michael screaming "WAAAALLLLT"
Jack: We have to do this.
Locke: No, that's a really bad idea, Jack.
Jack: It's dangerous, but necessary, John.
Sawyer: I'm reluctantly coming for some stupid reason.
Kate: I'm willingly coming with you.
Jack and/or Sawyer: No!
Kate: You have no choice.
Jack: Fine.
Kate: *gushes*
*
FLASHBACK that reveals someone had a drinking problem/daddy issue/gun incident/marital problem/baby issue.
*
Sawyer: *strips shirt off*
Jin: *speaks entirely in Korean*
Sawyer: Hey, Jackie Chan! Didn't you know, like, fifty words in English a week ago? What the hell happened?
Jin: *replies in Korean*
Michael: WAAAAALLLT.
*
(Unimportant scene where Hurley approaches a main character who's actually doing something, chats for a while about something really banal, and then wanders off again.)
*
Jack: Oh my god, we've found a trail/the Others/a hatch!
Sawyer: *points gun at trail/the Others/a hatch*
Locke: No! We're being too rash about this!
Jack: Too rash, John?
Locke: Yes, Jack.
Jack: How exactly are we being too rash, John?
Locke: Well, Jack, the last time we let someone have a gun---
Jack: The last time someone had a gun is none of your business, John.
Locke: Look, Jack, I know what this is really about. You want me to get an abortion.
Jack: It's the only sensible thing to do, John.
Sawyer: *glaring* Whenever Lucy and Desi are feeling up to it, I suggest moving on with our little tour de Island.
Rousseau: *appears* I've come to tell you why the island is even more dangerous than you thought.
Jack: How?
Rousseau: I refuse to talk to anyone but Sayid.
Jack: He's not here.
Rousseau: Oh. Do you know when he'll be back?
Jack: He's at our camp. He's not coming over here.
Rousseau: Oh. *awkwardly* Will you tell him I said "hey"? Like, in a platonic way. Just 'heyyy'. You know?
*
Claire: Oh my god, my baby is (a) sick, (b) kidnapped by Charlie/the Others/Sawyer!
Charlie: I'll help, unless I'm kidnapping it.
Claire: *gushes*
Charlie: *fucks up, loses everyone he loves. again.*
Button: *beep.* *beep.*
Hurley: *types in numbers, showing us that Locke made sure the button was gonna be pushed while he was away*
Henry Gale: It rubs the lotion in the skin, or else it gets the hose again!
Hurley: Did you say something, dude?
Henry Gale: No, I was just-- wait, John?
Hurley: He's out.
Henry Gale: Oh. *pause* I miss John.
Hatch: Me, too.
Henry Gale: *emo*
*
Sayid: Who here hasn't heard the torturing story? Anyone? Anyone? Come on, no one wants to hear about how I used to be a torturer? Bernard! How about you?
Bernard: You told me a week ago, man.
Sayid: Fine. Anyone else? It still haunts me, you know.
Rousseau: *appears* ...You can tell me anytime, Sayid.
Sayid: Danielle! What are you doing here?
Rousseau: Oh, god, it's so sexy when you say my first name. Let's go find an Other and torture him.
Sayid: What?
Rousseau: Uh, the Others/the sickness/a creepy guy is coming.
Sayid: Danielle, I cannot trust you.
Bernard: *adorable bickering argument*
Rose: *sassy yet appropriate reply*
Extras: *jump up and down with glee* Notice us! Notice us!
*
FLASHBACK reveals that the daddy issues/drinking problem was resolved with a baby issue/martial problem, and that Claire's best friend was Charlie's cousin's boss back when he worked for Hurley in the Paik industries, on 23 Widmore Avenue, Sydney Australia, 481516
Christian Shepherd: Obiligatory appearance! *guzzles down a gin and tonic, tonic optional* Alright! Now who needs a transplant?
*
COMMERCIAL advertising the fact that CREST whitestrips now works with Hanso.
COMMERCIAL of Lunesta
*
Jack: *goes crazy* THIS PLAN ISN'T WORKING/ WE'RE CROSSING THE LINE WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CROSS/ THE BUTTON ISN'T REAL, JOHN/ I GOTTA GO BURY MY FATHER/ SAWYER LOVES KATE.
Sawyer: What?
Kate: What?
Jack: What?
*beat*
Locke: I miss Boone.
*
Charlie: You're a priest right?
Eko: Yes. I am a priest. You were an alter boy, you say?
Charlie: Yeah.
Eko: You are my bitch now.
Charlie: What did you say?
Eko: I said, I am building a church.
Charlie: Oh, okay!
Jesus Stick: ...bitch.
*
Jack: We're back.
Extras: *jump up and down in glee* They're back! They're back!
Jack: We found nothing, just a lot of cryptic information about Dharma/the Others/my creepy dead father/that creepy guy in the hatch.
Locke: I wouldn't call that nothing, Jack.
Jack: Well, John, what would you call it?
Locke: I'd call it destiny(or hope, or fate).
Jack: Is that so, John?
Locke: Jack, have you ever stopped to think about...
*wander off towards the hatch, bickering*
Kate: Jesus, I am never going to get laid.
*
Ends with SUPPOSEDLY HUGE PLOT TWIST or sometimes MONTAGE OF PEOPLE SMILING AND WORKING TOGETHER, or sometimes BOTH.
SUCH AS:
(to happy lost music)
Jin: *speaks in Korean*, *smiles, pats Sun's belly*
Sun: *completely unreadable face*
Vincent: *cuddles with someone lonely*
Hurley: *grins happily, possibly because he is the most cheery character, unless he's cuddling with Vincent*
Bernard: *holds Rose's hand*
Claire: *tickles Aaron*
(music becomes creepy)
Claire: *keeps tickling Aaron*
Charlie: *looks on sadly*
(music becomes creepier)
Polar Bear: *walks around*
Audience: WTF.
NEXT WEEK ON LOST:
Jack and Locke are going to fight. Kate's going to like whoever she didn't like in this episode. Michael is going to say "I gotta go get my boy back." Henry is going to say "John..." really creepily. Ana Lucia is going to fight someone.
EVERY EPISODE OF LOST SEASON 2 EVER
Previously on Lost: Charlie saying "Guys, where are we?"; Michael screaming "WAAAAALLLLT"; raft blowing up; polar bears; monsters; freaking Marvin Candle; Michael screaming "WAAAALLLLT"
Jack: We have to do this.
Locke: No, that's a really bad idea, Jack.
Jack: It's dangerous, but necessary, John.
Sawyer: I'm reluctantly coming for some stupid reason.
Kate: I'm willingly coming with you.
Jack and/or Sawyer: No!
Kate: You have no choice.
Jack: Fine.
Kate: *gushes*
*
FLASHBACK that reveals someone had a drinking problem/daddy issue/gun incident/marital problem/baby issue.
*
Sawyer: *strips shirt off*
Jin: *speaks entirely in Korean*
Sawyer: Hey, Jackie Chan! Didn't you know, like, fifty words in English a week ago? What the hell happened?
Jin: *replies in Korean*
Michael: WAAAAALLLT.
*
(Unimportant scene where Hurley approaches a main character who's actually doing something, chats for a while about something really banal, and then wanders off again.)
*
Jack: Oh my god, we've found a trail/the Others/a hatch!
Sawyer: *points gun at trail/the Others/a hatch*
Locke: No! We're being too rash about this!
Jack: Too rash, John?
Locke: Yes, Jack.
Jack: How exactly are we being too rash, John?
Locke: Well, Jack, the last time we let someone have a gun---
Jack: The last time someone had a gun is none of your business, John.
Locke: Look, Jack, I know what this is really about. You want me to get an abortion.
Jack: It's the only sensible thing to do, John.
Sawyer: *glaring* Whenever Lucy and Desi are feeling up to it, I suggest moving on with our little tour de Island.
Rousseau: *appears* I've come to tell you why the island is even more dangerous than you thought.
Jack: How?
Rousseau: I refuse to talk to anyone but Sayid.
Jack: He's not here.
Rousseau: Oh. Do you know when he'll be back?
Jack: He's at our camp. He's not coming over here.
Rousseau: Oh. *awkwardly* Will you tell him I said "hey"? Like, in a platonic way. Just 'heyyy'. You know?
*
Claire: Oh my god, my baby is (a) sick, (b) kidnapped by Charlie/the Others/Sawyer!
Charlie: I'll help, unless I'm kidnapping it.
Claire: *gushes*
Charlie: *fucks up, loses everyone he loves. again.*
Button: *beep.* *beep.*
Hurley: *types in numbers, showing us that Locke made sure the button was gonna be pushed while he was away*
Henry Gale: It rubs the lotion in the skin, or else it gets the hose again!
Hurley: Did you say something, dude?
Henry Gale: No, I was just-- wait, John?
Hurley: He's out.
Henry Gale: Oh. *pause* I miss John.
Hatch: Me, too.
Henry Gale: *emo*
*
Sayid: Who here hasn't heard the torturing story? Anyone? Anyone? Come on, no one wants to hear about how I used to be a torturer? Bernard! How about you?
Bernard: You told me a week ago, man.
Sayid: Fine. Anyone else? It still haunts me, you know.
Rousseau: *appears* ...You can tell me anytime, Sayid.
Sayid: Danielle! What are you doing here?
Rousseau: Oh, god, it's so sexy when you say my first name. Let's go find an Other and torture him.
Sayid: What?
Rousseau: Uh, the Others/the sickness/a creepy guy is coming.
Sayid: Danielle, I cannot trust you.
Bernard: *adorable bickering argument*
Rose: *sassy yet appropriate reply*
Extras: *jump up and down with glee* Notice us! Notice us!
*
FLASHBACK reveals that the daddy issues/drinking problem was resolved with a baby issue/martial problem, and that Claire's best friend was Charlie's cousin's boss back when he worked for Hurley in the Paik industries, on 23 Widmore Avenue, Sydney Australia, 481516
Christian Shepherd: Obiligatory appearance! *guzzles down a gin and tonic, tonic optional* Alright! Now who needs a transplant?
*
COMMERCIAL advertising the fact that CREST whitestrips now works with Hanso.
COMMERCIAL of Lunesta
*
Jack: *goes crazy* THIS PLAN ISN'T WORKING/ WE'RE CROSSING THE LINE WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CROSS/ THE BUTTON ISN'T REAL, JOHN/ I GOTTA GO BURY MY FATHER/ SAWYER LOVES KATE.
Sawyer: What?
Kate: What?
Jack: What?
*beat*
Locke: I miss Boone.
*
Charlie: You're a priest right?
Eko: Yes. I am a priest. You were an alter boy, you say?
Charlie: Yeah.
Eko: You are my bitch now.
Charlie: What did you say?
Eko: I said, I am building a church.
Charlie: Oh, okay!
Jesus Stick: ...bitch.
*
Jack: We're back.
Extras: *jump up and down in glee* They're back! They're back!
Jack: We found nothing, just a lot of cryptic information about Dharma/the Others/my creepy dead father/that creepy guy in the hatch.
Locke: I wouldn't call that nothing, Jack.
Jack: Well, John, what would you call it?
Locke: I'd call it destiny(or hope, or fate).
Jack: Is that so, John?
Locke: Jack, have you ever stopped to think about...
*wander off towards the hatch, bickering*
Kate: Jesus, I am never going to get laid.
*
Ends with SUPPOSEDLY HUGE PLOT TWIST or sometimes MONTAGE OF PEOPLE SMILING AND WORKING TOGETHER, or sometimes BOTH.
SUCH AS:
(to happy lost music)
Jin: *speaks in Korean*, *smiles, pats Sun's belly*
Sun: *completely unreadable face*
Vincent: *cuddles with someone lonely*
Hurley: *grins happily, possibly because he is the most cheery character, unless he's cuddling with Vincent*
Bernard: *holds Rose's hand*
Claire: *tickles Aaron*
(music becomes creepy)
Claire: *keeps tickling Aaron*
Charlie: *looks on sadly*
(music becomes creepier)
Polar Bear: *walks around*
Audience: WTF.
NEXT WEEK ON LOST:
Jack and Locke are going to fight. Kate's going to like whoever she didn't like in this episode. Michael is going to say "I gotta go get my boy back." Henry is going to say "John..." really creepily. Ana Lucia is going to fight someone.
