Thought I might as well recap the season finale, because I have nothing better to do with my time, and we could all use a few laughs every now and then. This is likely a one time thing (well, after I get part two up) because Im not going to have time to recrap Survivor and LOST later this year. Oh, and speaking of, I post recraps at Sucks, so if you are feint of heart or dont like seeing the word fuck or hate perv jokes or seeing your favorite character get made fun of, click the back button now. Youve been warned. With that said, lets start this baby up..
Stuff we've seen in previous episodes on LOST: (seriously, am I the only person tired of every show starting their episodes with the word previously? Wouldn't it be awesome if they started it with something like "A couple of weeks ago, before we aired some more fucking reruns that totally disrupted the flow, on LOST" or something like that?) Oh well, anyway, there was a lot of stuff and then,
Sun sees "boat". You aren't a true fan if you weren't upset that Jin didn't follow by saying "stahbuhd". And Claire- maybe you shouldn't be breastfeeding YOUR BAYBEEEEEE in public. And if you're so terrified that he has the sickness, maybe you shouldn't let him put his mouth on your tit. That sickness is fucking contagious sister, do you really want your boobie to get sick too?
And that's where we start, with everyone running towards the boat. And only Sayid is the genius who says "perhaps it's them" because he remembers that they used the ocean to get around his (or was it Locke's) traps and kill Steve (or was it Scott- god I hate that joke) after Ethan threatened them.
Apparently something convinced him otherwise, because he and Sawyer take their shirts off. Unfortunately Sayid doesn't shave his chest like Sawyer, so he's the smelliest cast member, because BJ and Tyler aren't on this show. Jack doesn't take his shirt off though...Doc if you catch pneumonia, who the fuck is going to help you heal? I know Kate convinced Sawyer to take those pills, but do you really want to throw all the balls in the Kate Austin Medical School court? Alright, maybe I shouldve used an analogy without the word balls, but you get my drift.
They swim up to and climb into the boat, and find out that BJ (or is it Tyler, still don't know which is which) actually is on the cast, and Sayid breathes a sigh of relief, because it's no fun being the guy who smells the most like shit. Actually it's Desmond, which was probably the worst kept secret in the history of spoilers. Desmond has been drinking, and has a gun in his hands, which is basically the story of Michelle Rodriguez's life. Looks like he also just ate some Dharma food (upper right corner of the pic). How the hell was he able to take enough food to last all this time during which he grew a huge ass beard? Eh, who cares. But if someone wants to make up a calendar of each day on the island, that would kick so much ass. Oh, and then Jack questions Desmond a little, and he says he was sailing for 2 and a half weeks. How was there still alcohol left over?
We get flashed back to a cleaned up Desmond (and I mean CLEANED UP..didn't even recognize him) getting checked out of Southway Garrison Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina Prison. There was something about a Dickens book and how he wants it to be the last thing he ever read. And there's also that picture that was also in the hatch of him and a really banging chick- more on her later.
And some dude in a nice car offers him a ride, but Desmond, who doesn't have sex with old guys, declines, saying "not with you..but that really hot daughter of yours..cha chiiiing". If there's one thing I learned in my archaeology class this semester, it's that bald guys in movies are always evil. Watch out for the wicked Widmore dude.
He gets in though, because it's raining, and he can't ruin his hair. Whoever the hell baldie is, he has kept all of Desmond's letters that were sent to a certain Peggy Widmore, which anagrams to...Grope my widge. Let's pretend a widge is a penis, because otherwise that anagram sucks. And if you were afraid the finale wouldn't have any of the numbers hidden in it, the prison is apparently at 42 *some street* and Peggy lives at 23 *some street* which is somewhere at SW4 8PS, whatever the fuck that means. Desmond says the dude is a bastard, in case we were too stupid to deduce that from the fact that he kept about 1000 letters a dude in prison sent to his daughter from her. The dude says that "Penelope's moved on, Hume" so apparently he can't READ THE FUCKING ENVELOPE which clearly say Peggy on them. He offers Desmond some dough to run away and never talk to his daughter again. If you got the money, why don't you just have a hitman kill him and tell your daughter he died in a sawmill accident or something? Much easier.
Back on the island, Sayid is trying to explain to Jack his plan, and says that fate is what brought them a boat. If you're on the fate side, doesn't that mean you should be telling your plan to Locke? He says he can go to their camp undetected and scout around. I guess he must've forgotten that he's an Arab- he could wear that invisibility cloak that Harry Potter wears and he would still be noticed anywhere he went. He says that all Jack has to do is keep the secret, so obviously, Jack isn't going to be able to keep the secret and he'll fuck everything up. I mean come on, this is Jack we are talking about.
Locke enters the hatch, and tells Eko that he's going to let the timer run down, because Eko doesn't want to be a slave. And Eko is totally like, duuude did you just call the black dude a slave?! before shrugging it off and saying that he isn't a slave to anyone. So apparently he doesn't remember that two episodes ago, Yemi randomly popped up in his dreams, and he's done exactly what he's said since. Locke says "don't push it" and Eko responds "Do not tell me what I can do." But he told you what you can't do... Eko puts the numbers in, but I'm surprised it works, because he probably has fat fingers so it would enter like this 43 98 1245 eh you get the picture.
Locke tries to smash the computer with Eko's Jesus stick, but Eko catches it and decides to show him a lesson, so he fucks him up the ass. Looks intense. Then while kicking Locke out, John screams "we are all just puppets, puppets on a string!" You'd make a pretty shitty marionette Locke- you don't have working legs.
The fearsome foursome and dumbass black guy Mark Burnett wishes he could put on his show to edit him as, well, the dumb black guy, get ready to depart. Hurley doesn't want a gun, because he's been so unlucky on the island thus far, I mean- when he was finally ready to lose weight, more food landed out of the sky! This dude is cursed! Kate is afraid because she realizes the Others are faking it because she found the theatre glue/fauxbeard. So apparently the Others can't see everything because they had no idea she saw the fake beards, which is why Tom later on was surprised about her knowing. Remember that when the Others end up being some Government program that tests children to utilize their strengths in like season 12 (I'll explain in another thread, not like we need another theory..) Where was I..Oh yeah, so Sawyer says "enough with this jibber jabber", and the only way that could've been topped is if he addressed it to Hurley and said "Enough of this jibber jabber Jabba" because that's a tongue twister. Alright, so they start walking along the beach, but when we saw Michael leaving last episode, he was clearly running through the woods/grassy area.
After Desmond lets Sayid use his boat, we flashback to Libby paying for his coffee, then offering to give him her dead husband's boat for a sailing race around the world. Damn, even the smoothest dude out there couldn't pull that one off- being unable to afford a cup of coffee and landing a free boat in the process. Boy does Libby look like a ghost here too..the makeup people really want to hit home the fact that she... died...dude...
Back to about 3 years later (see this is why we need that calendar, I have no idea how off I am) Sayid tries to convince Sun to convince Jin to help him sail the boat. Damn, so not only will the Arab be attempting to sneak up, but so will two Koreans? Unless the Others place is the fucking United Nations, I think they might just stand out just a teeny bit.
After Sawyer almost trips up another Rousseau trap, (seriously, how fucking awesome are those traps- dolls to try and get the kid-stealers to set them off- I'm surprised Charlie hasn't set one off yet. Oh, and where did she get the dolls from? It's not like there's a Babies R' Us on the Island- in fact they didn't exist when Rousseau landed there Ahh the things we will never find out...Oops holy shit this is a long sidetracked thought, my bad), he finally figures out that when Jack said they got caught up in a net, it was an actual net and not some euphemism for sex. Has anyone even used that terminology before? I needa learn how to speak Redneck. Anyway, Sawyer asks if it was the net in Jack's swim trunks that they got caught up in, but Kate says it was a real one, and wants to know since when did Jack and Sawyer start talking about her? What is this, high school?
They hear something, and OH MY GOD! IT'S A BIRD. It's main purpose was to shit on the conversation Sawyer and Kate were having, because that's what it was. Actually, when I originally saw it I realized the purpose was to show Michael that Jack didn't trust him and didn't load the gun. It's a good thing Jack didn't load it too, because Michael went all Ana Lucia on it and started shooting at random particles of air hoping to hit it.
Charlie's wandering and sees Locke crying. Horrible that they did this. Locke is supposed to be a philosophic god in our eyes, not a pussy who cries when things don't go his way. It's like Clint Eastwood crying in Million Dollar Baby, I mean come on it's Clint fucking Eastwood! He wasn't born with tear ducts! Anyway, the whole purpose of this was for Locke to find out Desmond's back, so they can both make out while claiming the button is not real.
Meanwhile, Sun says she's going with Sayid and Jin. So she apparently lied to Jin. Too bad he will never find out. Not even worthy of a picture.
Desmond tells Claire that it's kinda pointless to shoot the vaccine into her baby, cause he's used it before, stopped using it, and hasn't been cannibaled by Rousseau yet. He actually says "You're wasting your time, sistuh" which is completely awesome. I wonder what he'd say to a transexual though.
Back to before one of the first flashbacks of the season, with Desmond taking his pants off and getting ready to run on the stadium steps right before Peggy shows up. She asks why he didn't write her...hmm, now might be a great time to tell her that her dad's a dick and stole all the letters he wrote. Instead he asks when she's getting married, and if his invitation got lost in the mail. He also says he's gonna kick ass and take names in this sailboat race around the world. She asks him what he's running from, even though his name isn't Ruth Marie. He shouldve screamed, THE MONSTER! RUN!!!! But instead he claims he has to get his honor back...so running away from your problems and sailing alone so no one can verify your accomplishments gives someone honor? Sweet deal. He then tells her that's what he's running to, and then runs into the stadium without making out with Peggy, which is a shame, because she's hot.
John comes to speak to Desmond, who takes another sip of his drink, because getting through dealing with the suckiness that is recent-Locke requires alcoholic consumption. Locke, (or "Boxman" as Desmond calls him- forget sailing, this guy might be able to beat Sawyer in the nickname giving contest,) wants to know what the answer to the "What did one snowman say to the other snowman" joke is, which Desmond answers "Smells like carrots." That joke would get ruined if one of the snowmen farted right before it was asked. So then they talk about the world, and Locke really catches the drunk dude's attention when he talks about the Pearl Station and how Desmond was pushing a button for 3 years as part of a pyscho experiment. Then they plan to not push the button tomorrow.
Sawyer acts all shocked while Hurley turns down food which causes Hurley to give him the Death Stare of Anorexic Doom, while Jack scares the shit out of Michael for like the 5th time in the day by just walking up behind him and saying "hey". Then after Michael thanks Jack for risking his neck to get WAAAAAAALT back, Jack says "Live together die alone" which is the episode title, but still makes no sense in this context whatsoever. Who is living with who and who is dying alone and what in the what now?
Sun, not realizing what Jin was saying, bends over. But instead of taking his medium sized Korean wang up her Vietnam, she pukes over the side of the boat, because we really need to see proof that she's pregnant from Charlie raping her. And Jin says he has something to show her, and they see..
Chad Crittenden's long lost leg! OK, making a Survivor Vanuatu joke was probably a stupid idea considering that no one remembers a single thing from it. (Chad was the dude with the artificial leg- OHH HIM!) Sayid notices that it has four toes and the rest of the statue is missing. Great observation Sayid! I would have never noticed that without your help. Although I tend to think that this is the only missing piece from the other statue, and there's a statue on the other side of the island with a crutch trying to hold itself up.
http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/4349/jesusstick5hb.jpg
Back in the hatch, Eko is carving a "random number" on his jesus stick, which was a number that was accepted and wasn't a system failure. And then,
Desmond uses the computer wiring as a urinal, and has some fun by making the blast doors go down, locking Eko out. Damn, if only Locke had known how to do that before. Locke tells us that he's more sure about this than anything in his entire life. Damn he hasn't been sure of anything then- its no wonder Helen left him.
"Are you sure you want to elope?"
"I'm sure...wait...you are the Helen I had phonesex with right?"
(Not sure if that made sense, I just wanted to make a phonesex joke.)
Desmond says, "now we wait." Great, more waiting. At least they only have to wait 101 minutes..we have like 5 months of waiting ahead of us.
After the intense CGI-made waves knock Desmond unconscious on his boat, he maroons up onto the island, and 4 dudes in a yellow biohazard suit kidnaps him. Well, it's just one guy, but the camera dude wanted to try and be cool, so it looks like four. Damn, if one Kelvin is as awesome as he is, imagine four Kelvins.
Inside the hatch, the first thing Kelvin asks Desmond is, "Are you him?" No Kelvin, he is not Henry Gale. Or FauxHenry for that matter. Or Tom. Or Alvar Hanso. Or me. It's just Desmond. Sorry to disappoint. Then he asks the snowman joke, and Desmond says "What're you talking about?" Something tells me that's the wrong answer. It would have been hilarious if he woulda played along and given his own answer, or even better, the right answer, but then things would've gotten a little too messed up. Oh well. After Kelvin asks, he tells Desmond that he's Kelvin Inman. You know, for the dude who taught Sayid how to torture, you would think that maybe he would be tying Desmond up in the armory and taking his fingers off, considering that there are Others around on the island (which he presumably knows about, or else he wouldn't be wearing the suit).
After Kelvin puts the numbers in, Desmond watches the video and immediately asks why there are missing parts. The dude's a genius- Locke had to wait for the mysterious black man to bring him a missing piece of the film before he realized that. Kelvin says that his partner, Grazinski (or some similar spelling of the same dude) made some edits...so why the fuck did he take out the "don't use it to send outside messages" part, and why would he hide it in another hatch instead of just destroying it?
Meanwhile, Eko rounds up Charlie for help, because Charlie would hate to see everyone on the island die. Especially his fuckbuddy Claire.
Sawyer tells us his theory that the Others are aliens, which is unfortunately a better theory than some others posted at this message board. Then, after Kate notices two others, and after wasting way too many bullets trying to kill them, Sawyer hits...
Bobby Lee! Oh if only...When watching it Wednesday I thought it was Marvin Candle too at first, but this dude is too fat. And he has a hand.
After arguing over what to do and what went down and what they can and can't do and other stuff that didn't exactly make sense, Jack tells Michael to tell them about the warning. And Michael shits his pants and goes "OHHHH FUCKKKK." This must be the first time an Arab was trusted and actually told the truth. Then Jack throws the cripple into a tree forcing him to tell the other 3 what's going on, so he does, and Hurley totally outthinks him, and Michael says he's sorry for it all, and Hurley says he's going back. Wait, so Sawyer makes fun of Hurley, and he runs and Terry Tate tackles him into his tent, but Michael can kill the chick willing to let Hurley bang her (and trust me, that list is short) but all he does is walk away? No wonder he was in a mental hospital.
Even better, Hurley then yells at Jack for letting them go out blindly, and Jack says that he has a plan. Sawyer wants to know what plan, and unfortunately doesn't call him Doc McCock at the end of it.
And that's the end of part one. Part two will come later, but I have no idea when, because I'm fucking lazy. Hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to the next one.
Stuff we've seen in previous episodes on LOST: (seriously, am I the only person tired of every show starting their episodes with the word previously? Wouldn't it be awesome if they started it with something like "A couple of weeks ago, before we aired some more fucking reruns that totally disrupted the flow, on LOST" or something like that?) Oh well, anyway, there was a lot of stuff and then,
Sun sees "boat". You aren't a true fan if you weren't upset that Jin didn't follow by saying "stahbuhd". And Claire- maybe you shouldn't be breastfeeding YOUR BAYBEEEEEE in public. And if you're so terrified that he has the sickness, maybe you shouldn't let him put his mouth on your tit. That sickness is fucking contagious sister, do you really want your boobie to get sick too?
And that's where we start, with everyone running towards the boat. And only Sayid is the genius who says "perhaps it's them" because he remembers that they used the ocean to get around his (or was it Locke's) traps and kill Steve (or was it Scott- god I hate that joke) after Ethan threatened them.
Apparently something convinced him otherwise, because he and Sawyer take their shirts off. Unfortunately Sayid doesn't shave his chest like Sawyer, so he's the smelliest cast member, because BJ and Tyler aren't on this show. Jack doesn't take his shirt off though...Doc if you catch pneumonia, who the fuck is going to help you heal? I know Kate convinced Sawyer to take those pills, but do you really want to throw all the balls in the Kate Austin Medical School court? Alright, maybe I shouldve used an analogy without the word balls, but you get my drift.
They swim up to and climb into the boat, and find out that BJ (or is it Tyler, still don't know which is which) actually is on the cast, and Sayid breathes a sigh of relief, because it's no fun being the guy who smells the most like shit. Actually it's Desmond, which was probably the worst kept secret in the history of spoilers. Desmond has been drinking, and has a gun in his hands, which is basically the story of Michelle Rodriguez's life. Looks like he also just ate some Dharma food (upper right corner of the pic). How the hell was he able to take enough food to last all this time during which he grew a huge ass beard? Eh, who cares. But if someone wants to make up a calendar of each day on the island, that would kick so much ass. Oh, and then Jack questions Desmond a little, and he says he was sailing for 2 and a half weeks. How was there still alcohol left over?
We get flashed back to a cleaned up Desmond (and I mean CLEANED UP..didn't even recognize him) getting checked out of Southway Garrison Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina Prison. There was something about a Dickens book and how he wants it to be the last thing he ever read. And there's also that picture that was also in the hatch of him and a really banging chick- more on her later.
And some dude in a nice car offers him a ride, but Desmond, who doesn't have sex with old guys, declines, saying "not with you..but that really hot daughter of yours..cha chiiiing". If there's one thing I learned in my archaeology class this semester, it's that bald guys in movies are always evil. Watch out for the wicked Widmore dude.
He gets in though, because it's raining, and he can't ruin his hair. Whoever the hell baldie is, he has kept all of Desmond's letters that were sent to a certain Peggy Widmore, which anagrams to...Grope my widge. Let's pretend a widge is a penis, because otherwise that anagram sucks. And if you were afraid the finale wouldn't have any of the numbers hidden in it, the prison is apparently at 42 *some street* and Peggy lives at 23 *some street* which is somewhere at SW4 8PS, whatever the fuck that means. Desmond says the dude is a bastard, in case we were too stupid to deduce that from the fact that he kept about 1000 letters a dude in prison sent to his daughter from her. The dude says that "Penelope's moved on, Hume" so apparently he can't READ THE FUCKING ENVELOPE which clearly say Peggy on them. He offers Desmond some dough to run away and never talk to his daughter again. If you got the money, why don't you just have a hitman kill him and tell your daughter he died in a sawmill accident or something? Much easier.
Back on the island, Sayid is trying to explain to Jack his plan, and says that fate is what brought them a boat. If you're on the fate side, doesn't that mean you should be telling your plan to Locke? He says he can go to their camp undetected and scout around. I guess he must've forgotten that he's an Arab- he could wear that invisibility cloak that Harry Potter wears and he would still be noticed anywhere he went. He says that all Jack has to do is keep the secret, so obviously, Jack isn't going to be able to keep the secret and he'll fuck everything up. I mean come on, this is Jack we are talking about.
Locke enters the hatch, and tells Eko that he's going to let the timer run down, because Eko doesn't want to be a slave. And Eko is totally like, duuude did you just call the black dude a slave?! before shrugging it off and saying that he isn't a slave to anyone. So apparently he doesn't remember that two episodes ago, Yemi randomly popped up in his dreams, and he's done exactly what he's said since. Locke says "don't push it" and Eko responds "Do not tell me what I can do." But he told you what you can't do... Eko puts the numbers in, but I'm surprised it works, because he probably has fat fingers so it would enter like this 43 98 1245 eh you get the picture.
Locke tries to smash the computer with Eko's Jesus stick, but Eko catches it and decides to show him a lesson, so he fucks him up the ass. Looks intense. Then while kicking Locke out, John screams "we are all just puppets, puppets on a string!" You'd make a pretty shitty marionette Locke- you don't have working legs.
The fearsome foursome and dumbass black guy Mark Burnett wishes he could put on his show to edit him as, well, the dumb black guy, get ready to depart. Hurley doesn't want a gun, because he's been so unlucky on the island thus far, I mean- when he was finally ready to lose weight, more food landed out of the sky! This dude is cursed! Kate is afraid because she realizes the Others are faking it because she found the theatre glue/fauxbeard. So apparently the Others can't see everything because they had no idea she saw the fake beards, which is why Tom later on was surprised about her knowing. Remember that when the Others end up being some Government program that tests children to utilize their strengths in like season 12 (I'll explain in another thread, not like we need another theory..) Where was I..Oh yeah, so Sawyer says "enough with this jibber jabber", and the only way that could've been topped is if he addressed it to Hurley and said "Enough of this jibber jabber Jabba" because that's a tongue twister. Alright, so they start walking along the beach, but when we saw Michael leaving last episode, he was clearly running through the woods/grassy area.
After Desmond lets Sayid use his boat, we flashback to Libby paying for his coffee, then offering to give him her dead husband's boat for a sailing race around the world. Damn, even the smoothest dude out there couldn't pull that one off- being unable to afford a cup of coffee and landing a free boat in the process. Boy does Libby look like a ghost here too..the makeup people really want to hit home the fact that she... died...dude...
Back to about 3 years later (see this is why we need that calendar, I have no idea how off I am) Sayid tries to convince Sun to convince Jin to help him sail the boat. Damn, so not only will the Arab be attempting to sneak up, but so will two Koreans? Unless the Others place is the fucking United Nations, I think they might just stand out just a teeny bit.
After Sawyer almost trips up another Rousseau trap, (seriously, how fucking awesome are those traps- dolls to try and get the kid-stealers to set them off- I'm surprised Charlie hasn't set one off yet. Oh, and where did she get the dolls from? It's not like there's a Babies R' Us on the Island- in fact they didn't exist when Rousseau landed there Ahh the things we will never find out...Oops holy shit this is a long sidetracked thought, my bad), he finally figures out that when Jack said they got caught up in a net, it was an actual net and not some euphemism for sex. Has anyone even used that terminology before? I needa learn how to speak Redneck. Anyway, Sawyer asks if it was the net in Jack's swim trunks that they got caught up in, but Kate says it was a real one, and wants to know since when did Jack and Sawyer start talking about her? What is this, high school?
They hear something, and OH MY GOD! IT'S A BIRD. It's main purpose was to shit on the conversation Sawyer and Kate were having, because that's what it was. Actually, when I originally saw it I realized the purpose was to show Michael that Jack didn't trust him and didn't load the gun. It's a good thing Jack didn't load it too, because Michael went all Ana Lucia on it and started shooting at random particles of air hoping to hit it.
Charlie's wandering and sees Locke crying. Horrible that they did this. Locke is supposed to be a philosophic god in our eyes, not a pussy who cries when things don't go his way. It's like Clint Eastwood crying in Million Dollar Baby, I mean come on it's Clint fucking Eastwood! He wasn't born with tear ducts! Anyway, the whole purpose of this was for Locke to find out Desmond's back, so they can both make out while claiming the button is not real.
Meanwhile, Sun says she's going with Sayid and Jin. So she apparently lied to Jin. Too bad he will never find out. Not even worthy of a picture.
Desmond tells Claire that it's kinda pointless to shoot the vaccine into her baby, cause he's used it before, stopped using it, and hasn't been cannibaled by Rousseau yet. He actually says "You're wasting your time, sistuh" which is completely awesome. I wonder what he'd say to a transexual though.
Back to before one of the first flashbacks of the season, with Desmond taking his pants off and getting ready to run on the stadium steps right before Peggy shows up. She asks why he didn't write her...hmm, now might be a great time to tell her that her dad's a dick and stole all the letters he wrote. Instead he asks when she's getting married, and if his invitation got lost in the mail. He also says he's gonna kick ass and take names in this sailboat race around the world. She asks him what he's running from, even though his name isn't Ruth Marie. He shouldve screamed, THE MONSTER! RUN!!!! But instead he claims he has to get his honor back...so running away from your problems and sailing alone so no one can verify your accomplishments gives someone honor? Sweet deal. He then tells her that's what he's running to, and then runs into the stadium without making out with Peggy, which is a shame, because she's hot.
John comes to speak to Desmond, who takes another sip of his drink, because getting through dealing with the suckiness that is recent-Locke requires alcoholic consumption. Locke, (or "Boxman" as Desmond calls him- forget sailing, this guy might be able to beat Sawyer in the nickname giving contest,) wants to know what the answer to the "What did one snowman say to the other snowman" joke is, which Desmond answers "Smells like carrots." That joke would get ruined if one of the snowmen farted right before it was asked. So then they talk about the world, and Locke really catches the drunk dude's attention when he talks about the Pearl Station and how Desmond was pushing a button for 3 years as part of a pyscho experiment. Then they plan to not push the button tomorrow.
Sawyer acts all shocked while Hurley turns down food which causes Hurley to give him the Death Stare of Anorexic Doom, while Jack scares the shit out of Michael for like the 5th time in the day by just walking up behind him and saying "hey". Then after Michael thanks Jack for risking his neck to get WAAAAAAALT back, Jack says "Live together die alone" which is the episode title, but still makes no sense in this context whatsoever. Who is living with who and who is dying alone and what in the what now?
Sun, not realizing what Jin was saying, bends over. But instead of taking his medium sized Korean wang up her Vietnam, she pukes over the side of the boat, because we really need to see proof that she's pregnant from Charlie raping her. And Jin says he has something to show her, and they see..
Chad Crittenden's long lost leg! OK, making a Survivor Vanuatu joke was probably a stupid idea considering that no one remembers a single thing from it. (Chad was the dude with the artificial leg- OHH HIM!) Sayid notices that it has four toes and the rest of the statue is missing. Great observation Sayid! I would have never noticed that without your help. Although I tend to think that this is the only missing piece from the other statue, and there's a statue on the other side of the island with a crutch trying to hold itself up.
http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/4349/jesusstick5hb.jpg
Back in the hatch, Eko is carving a "random number" on his jesus stick, which was a number that was accepted and wasn't a system failure. And then,
Desmond uses the computer wiring as a urinal, and has some fun by making the blast doors go down, locking Eko out. Damn, if only Locke had known how to do that before. Locke tells us that he's more sure about this than anything in his entire life. Damn he hasn't been sure of anything then- its no wonder Helen left him.
"Are you sure you want to elope?"
"I'm sure...wait...you are the Helen I had phonesex with right?"
(Not sure if that made sense, I just wanted to make a phonesex joke.)
Desmond says, "now we wait." Great, more waiting. At least they only have to wait 101 minutes..we have like 5 months of waiting ahead of us.
After the intense CGI-made waves knock Desmond unconscious on his boat, he maroons up onto the island, and 4 dudes in a yellow biohazard suit kidnaps him. Well, it's just one guy, but the camera dude wanted to try and be cool, so it looks like four. Damn, if one Kelvin is as awesome as he is, imagine four Kelvins.
Inside the hatch, the first thing Kelvin asks Desmond is, "Are you him?" No Kelvin, he is not Henry Gale. Or FauxHenry for that matter. Or Tom. Or Alvar Hanso. Or me. It's just Desmond. Sorry to disappoint. Then he asks the snowman joke, and Desmond says "What're you talking about?" Something tells me that's the wrong answer. It would have been hilarious if he woulda played along and given his own answer, or even better, the right answer, but then things would've gotten a little too messed up. Oh well. After Kelvin asks, he tells Desmond that he's Kelvin Inman. You know, for the dude who taught Sayid how to torture, you would think that maybe he would be tying Desmond up in the armory and taking his fingers off, considering that there are Others around on the island (which he presumably knows about, or else he wouldn't be wearing the suit).
After Kelvin puts the numbers in, Desmond watches the video and immediately asks why there are missing parts. The dude's a genius- Locke had to wait for the mysterious black man to bring him a missing piece of the film before he realized that. Kelvin says that his partner, Grazinski (or some similar spelling of the same dude) made some edits...so why the fuck did he take out the "don't use it to send outside messages" part, and why would he hide it in another hatch instead of just destroying it?
Meanwhile, Eko rounds up Charlie for help, because Charlie would hate to see everyone on the island die. Especially his fuckbuddy Claire.
Sawyer tells us his theory that the Others are aliens, which is unfortunately a better theory than some others posted at this message board. Then, after Kate notices two others, and after wasting way too many bullets trying to kill them, Sawyer hits...
Bobby Lee! Oh if only...When watching it Wednesday I thought it was Marvin Candle too at first, but this dude is too fat. And he has a hand.
After arguing over what to do and what went down and what they can and can't do and other stuff that didn't exactly make sense, Jack tells Michael to tell them about the warning. And Michael shits his pants and goes "OHHHH FUCKKKK." This must be the first time an Arab was trusted and actually told the truth. Then Jack throws the cripple into a tree forcing him to tell the other 3 what's going on, so he does, and Hurley totally outthinks him, and Michael says he's sorry for it all, and Hurley says he's going back. Wait, so Sawyer makes fun of Hurley, and he runs and Terry Tate tackles him into his tent, but Michael can kill the chick willing to let Hurley bang her (and trust me, that list is short) but all he does is walk away? No wonder he was in a mental hospital.
Even better, Hurley then yells at Jack for letting them go out blindly, and Jack says that he has a plan. Sawyer wants to know what plan, and unfortunately doesn't call him Doc McCock at the end of it.
And that's the end of part one. Part two will come later, but I have no idea when, because I'm fucking lazy. Hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to the next one.
!! Don't be too lazy for too long, now. . .we wanna get your take on The Others and the vacuum tubes and the scenes on the Pala Ferry dock!
