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Cool Ways to Kill Yourself

©1995, Scott Christensen, all rights reserved.

Life Got You Down?

If you've been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are some suggestion on how to kill yourself. Even if you don't use these exclusive royalty free suicide methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible.

Don't be boring and just take sleeping pills, go out with style and flare. All these methods require some planning but don't let that dissuade you. Your life must be pretty pathetic if you're killing yourself. Why not leave a legacy?

Jumping

Here are a couple of great ways to kill yourself by jumping off a tall building, or cliff, or basically anything really high. The thing about these is that they generally work best if you can get a big crowd watching before you jump. Don't do it when there is no one around. There's just no bloody point in that.

Explosives Strapped to Your Body

Difficulty level: 7

1. Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better.
2. Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you good dispersion.
3. Mix vaseline and gasoline in a bucket.
4. Find a really tall building. Something like the World Trade Center (not anymore, but you get the idea smarty pants) is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd.
5. Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a very reliable wind-proof lighter. Torch lighters are best.
6. Bring your materials to the top of your building. Liberally apply the vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around your legs, arms, head and torso. The more explosives you use, the better. Attach the altimeter to the explosives.
7. Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible.
8. Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice. Drag this part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real problems. Your love life does not make for a good sound bite, something about trees telling you to kill yourself works good. Ask for news cameras from the major networks, so you can warn them of the coming tree invasion. Pace around while waving your arms and pointing a lot. If there are trees around, point at them.
9. DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the area and you definitely don't want that.
10. When you've gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire.
11. Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump.
12. Try to steer yourself towards the people in the crowd who are chanting 'jump, jump, jump'. That way flaming falling body parts will pelt them when you explode. If you used enough explosives, everyone within seeing distance will have a piece of you.
13. Congratulations! You've just made history. I bet it feels good just thinking about it. But don't cheer up, there are plenty of other ways to do the deed.

Falling through Chain Saws

Difficulty level: 10

This is much more difficult to pull off. Instead of explosives, the money shot is you falling though three or four operating chain saws. You do not need as high a building for this --- anything above three stories will do. Remember to use the vaseline-gasoline mixture. That's the ingredient that adds pizzazz.

Bullet in Your Head

Difficulty level: 1

HAMMER a bullet into your skull. Make sure there is an empty gun nearby but do not fire it (a gun that has never been fired works best in this situation). Bash the bullet into your frontal lobe. It doesn't matter how you get it done it will perplex the authorities for years and you will, most assuredly, be a hot news topic. You'll probably even make it on MythBusters. Hell, you want fame in death to rival the obscurity you had in life don't you?

Death by Hairball

Difficulty level: 3

Get a cat or a dog and brush it every day. Save the hair until you have a giant hairball. Plug up your nose then shove the hairball into your mouth.

Leave a cryptic note about how you believe little Fluffy or Rover was planning to kill you in your sleep.

Meat Grinder

Difficulty level: 11

Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder. Set up a hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the hidden camera.

Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it is enough to kill you.

In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages. One year later your will, will be read to the news media and people all around the nation will vomit simultaneously.

Drown in Your Own Urine

Difficulty level: 8

Get a huge vat or possibly an above ground pool. Save all your urine. Drown yourself in it. Put a note on the side of the pool saying, "MY URINE."

This method would work for any body fluid: vomit, snot, dooty. For you despondent guys out there: A vat of your own sperm would be truly impressive. You will have to get some viagra and work frantically for years, but what else have you got to do?
Pop into alt.binaries.erotica.bestiality, get the vibrator out and get crackin'. Remember, do something really weird and original, something that will tell them you are/were special.

Make a Political Statement

Difficulty level: 5

The abundance of media outlets these days has afforded a nearly infinite number of ways to relay your message of doom and despair while consequently minimizing the impact. No longer can you be assured a sizable audience for the ranting and pontificating that so often accompany political/ecological/religious movements.

"Oh, whatever can I do?!" you may be wailing. "The world is coming to an end. Death and despair loom on the horizon. [Insert your hated adversary's name here] is the embodiment of evil. He/she/they/it is/are/will be the antichrist/destruction of us all/black death come to haunt us/etc."

"How can I get my cause the attention it deserves?" you ask. The answer is simple: A futile pointless violent act displayed to millions on the evening news.

Chop Your Own Head Off While Standing Next to a Major World Leader

1. Ingratiate yourself with your chosen mark. Get his/her/its confidence. Become a trusted member of the inner circle.
2. Sew a hand ax into a coat or jacket so that it is easily removable but not particularly visible.
3. Make a statement. Video tape is preferable because the TV news shows love visuals. The more visual material they have the better. The next best thing would be audio tape. It won't hold an audience as well but at least it can be played under the video of your death. Never write a letter. No one reads anymore. No one will care. Make sure your message will be easily found on your corpse.
4. On the day of a major rally, with hundreds or thousands of attendees and lots of television cameras, wear the coat with the hand ax attached.
5. Send backup copies of your message to as many news outlets as you can on the appointed day.
6. Stand in the background as you remove the ax from the coat. When you are finished move slowly toward your dignitary.
7. As the event reaches its climax, whip out the ax and lop off your own head. If possible try to run around like a chicken. Make sure to get as much blood on the famous person as possible. Aim well. That will be the image that gets the news coverage.
8. Bask in your glorious death. You've made the supreme sacrifice to save the world and have ended the torment that was your existence.

Assisted Suicide

Sometimes you need help. Sometimes it takes a committee. Some of the many ways of suicide are just too complicated to do alone. These are perfectly valid routes to bliss and will not taint, in any way, your death.

Death by Seinfeld

Difficulty level: 9

Find a strong burly friend that will help you. Then find Jerry Seinfeld. Have your strong burly friend pick up Seinfeld and beat you to death with him.

Later Jerry will make a tv show out of it or maybe it will just end up in his act. "So I said, Hey! Who are these people that pick up other people and beat other people to death with them?"

Plug 'Em Up

Difficulty level: -1

Get a lot of ten-ton epoxy to seal any and all body openings. Wait a while. Explode.

This method contributed by Scott Disanno

A Pun Death

Difficulty level: 3

Take five large steaks. Rub them all over your body and stuff what remains into every pocket and orifice you can find. Tape at least one steak inside your clothing directly to your body. Find one large hungry grizzly bear. Taunt it till it comes to a full boil, attacks, and kills you.

Dying this way, at the paws of a grizzly bear, will allow the tabloid newspapers and daily tv news shows to use the headline "Grizzly Death!" repeatedly.

Intest You Intest Me

Difficulty level: 4

Sometimes you want to do something violent and bloody but you just don't have the wherewithal to assemble a cache of assault weapons. This method is simple and convenient for those on limited budgets.

1. Make a small incision in your stomach.
2. Pull out your intestines.
3. Hang yourself with the intestines.
4. A cryptic note about aliens might be a nice touch.

End the Holiday Madness

Difficulty level: 6

Anyone with half a brain hates the Thanksgiving to Christmas season. There is too much family. Too many happy annoying people demanding things from you. Too much forced joy specials on television. And WAY too many repetitions of songs you've been listening to since childhood.

The only way to escape this recurring nightmare is to:

1. If you have any investments, convert them to money. Take all your money and lose it playing online poker. This is especially important if you are well off. Don't tell family members and other greedy people that would profit from your demise. After you die, they will go crazy trying to find the missing money. They may even kill each other. This will bring you satisfaction, maybe even some companionship, in hell.
2. Now, stick your head in the turkey just after it comes out of the oven, preferably during the Christmas Day^TM family gathering but a Thanksgiving Day^TM end may also serve your purposes. Your timing really depends on your own peculiar circumstances.
3. Run around banging into family members all the while flailing your arms and yelling obscenities. You can never go wrong flailing your arms when trying to kill yourself. The more flailing the better.
4. Go into a room that can be easily locked so you won't be accidently saved by well meaning but inconsiderate friends or family members.
   [Alternatively you can just flee the house and run through the streets aimlessly until you pass out. NO ONE in a large city will ever go near someone with a steaming turkey on his head. If you live in a wooded or rural area the best thing to do would be to run off into the wilderness so your body can be found with all sorts of gnaw marks on it from the multitude of animals that will flock to your decaying carcass (and the turkey's too).]
5. An interesting footnote to this holiday might be to swallow a large number of Christmas ornaments (lights, small Santa dolls, actual fruit cake) before you follow your bliss. Give your family and friends (if you have either) something to discuss the following year.

Conclusion

I hope you got a laugh or two reading this. Many people come to this page looking for suicide methods. If you are suicidal and need someone to talk to, you can call:
The National Resource center for Suicide Prevention and Aftercare (1-404-256-9797 in the U.S.A. or Canada.)
The American Association of Suicidology for the nearest agency. (212-237-2280 in the U.S.A.)
The Samaritans (0345 90 90 90 in the United Kingdom or 1850 60 90 90 in the Republic of Ireland.)