Anyone who was around in Season 5 will remember the amazing thread that was AI5: The Musical written by Quack Wrabbit and a few contributors. It never got
finished but it was absolutely hilarious and made for some great fun.
Anyway randomly in the David Cook thread today an AI7 story got started up and I figured I'd move it to it's own thread and let everyone enjoy it and contribute to it since we'll need the David Cook thread to post about David Cook tonight.
Just to give you some background it basically started out with a David Cook fan being imprisoned with a crazy Archuleta fan for a cell mate and spiraled from there, here's what we have so far, it was started by dagny1331...
Tuesday, Lunatic. Tuesday they sing.
No answer. Not even a quick movement of her eyes. Nothing.
Three months of this and I was ready to shake my cell mate by the shoulders until she said something. I'd settle for "hello." I'd prefer "good bye."
She really was crazy, I knew. I also knew that I was sane. Cooktards are always san
lucky wench
The tattoos decorating her arms and neck cluttered her flesh until you could barely detect its true color. Now, I don't mind a tat or two, or hell, even three. But I drew the line at the likeness of Pork Chop etched into the tender spot at the base of her throat. Couldn't she have put it where it made more sense? Somewhere, say, more south and to the rear? Honestly, it was a blessing that she usually buttoned her orange jumpsuit to her chin.
Every day except Tuesday. Tuesday was the day she wore her Archtardness with horrendously misplaced pride.
Someone had to put a stop to it. Someone had to show her the light. Someone needed to wake her from her trance...and Cookie was just the guy to do it.
dagny
In the gray light of the morning I had all the time in the world to reflect on the irony. What put me in here, what started as a joke, really, was what probably put her in here, too. That and viewing Sigvold's masterpiece video. I'm sure there are others out there who lost the last bit of their twisted fan minds over that one.
It was such a simple, fun plan. All I wanted was to level the playing field a bit. It just didn't seem fair, all those frantic tween votes propelling, yet again, a less talented contestant toward a win! You see? A little computer virus designed to announce Miley Cyrus concert tickets, on sale nationwide, from 9-11pm AI finale night. Who knew that was illegal? Papachuleta, that's who. The bastard got me.
And now they're re-running the finale and opening the vote lines again. On Tuesday. They sing again on Tuesday, and I'm stuck in here. How can I stop the madness this time?
lucky wench
"Hey."
I looked out into the corridor. My favorite guard, Nikki, was ambling toward me. My Archtard cellmate slithered back to her bunk. She always avoided Nikki, an avowed Archnemesis. Me, on the other hand, adored Nikki because she brought me an iPod on which I could listen to the latest Cookie download. And if she could bring me an iPod...
As she drew near, I sidled up to the bars. "Nikki, you know how much I appreciate the iPod. Think you can get me a cell phone? There might be a way to 'keep things real'" (Nikki lurved Randy with the fire of a thousand suns) "for the repeat finale, but I need to contact my friends at Sucks."
"'Course! Here, you listen to 'Music of the Night' a couple o' times and I'll be back in two shakes." She grinned widely, but then slid an acidic glance at the orange lump on the lower bunk before lumbering away as fast as her tree trunk legs would carry her.
"Thanks, Nikki!" As I popped in the earbuds and lost myself in the magic of Cookie, I knew Sucks would help me. How could they not?
dagny
"....always be my bayyybeeee."
Baby. Baby Archuleta. Hmm. A plan began to take shape in my mind. What if? What if Archie's most rabid, scariest fans....could actually get to him before the finale do-over?
suckshardcore
Nikki was back with a cellphone before I could even switch to "Always Be My Baby." I thanked her with a "we got a hot one tonight," I knew she'd get a kick out of that. Tuesday was only 3 days away and I had to make sure I could get reception in the cell. I also had to make sure Gertrude didn't find out about my precious new gift. I figured it wouldn't be too hard to get reception as I had discovered only hours earlier that we were being kept in the basement of a Mormon church. Why a Mormon church had a cell like this I was unaware but I knew once the finale was over and the frenzy over the Miley virus calmed down it would be an easy break. But first I had to go something about Gertrude, I couldn't make the call to my Sucks buddies with her sitting their in the corner humming "Imagine" to herself and stroking the hair of the Archtard doll she bought on EBay before her arrest.
dagny
Poor crazy Gertrude. I wandered over to her corner, hiding my revulsion.
"Um Gertie? That's a really nice doll. Very pretty. I bet you miss him, huh? Did you know he came out with a new song? Would you like to hear it?"
Like a junkie pleading for a fix, she turned her eyes upward. They were moist with longing and loss.
"Here it is, Gertie. Archie's new song, "Billie Jean!" I popped the headphones into her ears and cranked the volume up on the ipod. She closed her eyes and smiled.
Hah! Now to that phone call.
suckshardcore
I pulled the cellphone out of my pocket and turned around to make sure Gertrude couldn't hear me. She was bopping her head to the music so I figured she hadn't yet realized she wasn't listening to Archie. She was 95 after all and her hearing was going, that's probably why she liked Archie in the first place.
Who to call first I thought, perhaps seaguy, he seemed like an intelligent Cook fan who could inform the other sucksters and get me out of this jam. I dialed his number checking once more on Gertrude to make sure I had my privacy. The phone rang twice and seaguy answered my call. I started to say hi and explain who I was when I felt a jab in the back of my head and suddenly everything went black...
dagny
When I came to, I slowly sat up and rubbed the back of my head. Gertrude, that bitch, had been faking it! And there she was pretending to be...
Wait--that isn't Gertrude, is it? I see some of the tattoos, but the jump suit--it's sleeveless! I head over to the bunks, cautious, scared. Oh no! It's Carly Smithson! Gertrude, and my cell phone, are gone.
suckshardcore
The cell door opened and Christian was roughly shoved in. He was in bad shape, obviously drugged, muttering over and over, "OMG! Hot tranny mess! Fierce! Make it Work!"
I couldn't even begin to understand how he had gotten himself involved in this whole sorry scandal. I guess it would have to wait until the drugs wore off. But more importantly, Carly & I needed to come up with a new plan, and fast.
And then I remembered her big 'ol voice and looked up at the bars on the open cell window.
Just then, Christian began to stand up. He was very confused an still woozy.
I grabbed his shoulders, "Christian? Can you hear me? How fast can you sew?"
He head-snapped to lucidity. "Oh no you didn't! How fast can I sew? Are you serious? Did you NOT watch Project Runway? Give me that jumpsuit and I'll have it pleated, puffed and fabulous in 3 minutes!"
I jumped as the door suddenly opened and we were joined by yet another new prisoner.
luckywench
The new prisoner had a bag over his head, but I'd recognize those nipples anywhere. "Simon fucking Cowell?" Did Papachuleta have no shame?
The two middle-aged hags dragging Cowell threw him into the cell.
"You can't just kidnap Simon Cowell. Don't you think people might, uh, notice?" I couldn't believe the eveel TCO plot might be successful.
"Actually, no. The ArchMaster has created a Simon-bot using leftover parts from Archie versions 1 and 2. No one will notice the difference."
"Wait, he's created an artificially intelligent Simon Cowell?"
"Yep. And he's going to praise Archie right into a win." The two house-fraus were positively beaming with excitement.
"We can't allow this." Carly slid me a dark, pointed look. With a subtle nod of her head, she put her maternity top to good use once more, swiping it over the skull of one of the soccer moms...
suckshardcore
Through the red maternity top I could hear the muffled screams of the soccer mom. I thought I heard her say they should have sedated us with one of the Archtard CDs from the cupboard before bringing in the most recent captive, Simon Cowell. Carly was struggling to hold on as the other soccer mom kicked her in an attempt to save her partner from the tattooed girl's grasp. She yelled to Christian for help while I attempted to untie Simon. Christian was unresponsive, the drugs hadn't worn off and all he could do was sit in the corner that Gertrude had formerly occupied and babble about what a hot mess the cell was.
I eventually managed to untie Simon once I realized that the soccer moms had tied him up using an over sized I <3 Archuleta sweatshirt. It was too late though, Carly had been knocked out and the soccer moms had left the cell, making sure it was locked securely.
"That was like be forced to listen to lions in heat on a cruise ship" Simon blurted out. I was tempted to ask him how he landed in the cell in the bottom of the Mormon church but I figured I'd better hold off. Every time I attempted to get closer to the truth something bad would happen. I wanted to be sure the soccer moms were out of ear shot and that we wouldn't be getting any new prisoners in the near future before I talked to my fellow prisoners. Suddenly I heard a loud snort and "they're after me lucky charms" and I knew Carly was coming to...
Feel free to contribute to our crazy story.
Anyway randomly in the David Cook thread today an AI7 story got started up and I figured I'd move it to it's own thread and let everyone enjoy it and contribute to it since we'll need the David Cook thread to post about David Cook tonight.
Just to give you some background it basically started out with a David Cook fan being imprisoned with a crazy Archuleta fan for a cell mate and spiraled from there, here's what we have so far, it was started by dagny1331...
Tuesday, Lunatic. Tuesday they sing.
No answer. Not even a quick movement of her eyes. Nothing.
Three months of this and I was ready to shake my cell mate by the shoulders until she said something. I'd settle for "hello." I'd prefer "good bye."
She really was crazy, I knew. I also knew that I was sane. Cooktards are always san
lucky wench
The tattoos decorating her arms and neck cluttered her flesh until you could barely detect its true color. Now, I don't mind a tat or two, or hell, even three. But I drew the line at the likeness of Pork Chop etched into the tender spot at the base of her throat. Couldn't she have put it where it made more sense? Somewhere, say, more south and to the rear? Honestly, it was a blessing that she usually buttoned her orange jumpsuit to her chin.
Every day except Tuesday. Tuesday was the day she wore her Archtardness with horrendously misplaced pride.
Someone had to put a stop to it. Someone had to show her the light. Someone needed to wake her from her trance...and Cookie was just the guy to do it.
dagny
In the gray light of the morning I had all the time in the world to reflect on the irony. What put me in here, what started as a joke, really, was what probably put her in here, too. That and viewing Sigvold's masterpiece video. I'm sure there are others out there who lost the last bit of their twisted fan minds over that one.
It was such a simple, fun plan. All I wanted was to level the playing field a bit. It just didn't seem fair, all those frantic tween votes propelling, yet again, a less talented contestant toward a win! You see? A little computer virus designed to announce Miley Cyrus concert tickets, on sale nationwide, from 9-11pm AI finale night. Who knew that was illegal? Papachuleta, that's who. The bastard got me.
And now they're re-running the finale and opening the vote lines again. On Tuesday. They sing again on Tuesday, and I'm stuck in here. How can I stop the madness this time?
lucky wench
"Hey."
I looked out into the corridor. My favorite guard, Nikki, was ambling toward me. My Archtard cellmate slithered back to her bunk. She always avoided Nikki, an avowed Archnemesis. Me, on the other hand, adored Nikki because she brought me an iPod on which I could listen to the latest Cookie download. And if she could bring me an iPod...
As she drew near, I sidled up to the bars. "Nikki, you know how much I appreciate the iPod. Think you can get me a cell phone? There might be a way to 'keep things real'" (Nikki lurved Randy with the fire of a thousand suns) "for the repeat finale, but I need to contact my friends at Sucks."
"'Course! Here, you listen to 'Music of the Night' a couple o' times and I'll be back in two shakes." She grinned widely, but then slid an acidic glance at the orange lump on the lower bunk before lumbering away as fast as her tree trunk legs would carry her.
"Thanks, Nikki!" As I popped in the earbuds and lost myself in the magic of Cookie, I knew Sucks would help me. How could they not?
dagny
"....always be my bayyybeeee."
Baby. Baby Archuleta. Hmm. A plan began to take shape in my mind. What if? What if Archie's most rabid, scariest fans....could actually get to him before the finale do-over?
suckshardcore
Nikki was back with a cellphone before I could even switch to "Always Be My Baby." I thanked her with a "we got a hot one tonight," I knew she'd get a kick out of that. Tuesday was only 3 days away and I had to make sure I could get reception in the cell. I also had to make sure Gertrude didn't find out about my precious new gift. I figured it wouldn't be too hard to get reception as I had discovered only hours earlier that we were being kept in the basement of a Mormon church. Why a Mormon church had a cell like this I was unaware but I knew once the finale was over and the frenzy over the Miley virus calmed down it would be an easy break. But first I had to go something about Gertrude, I couldn't make the call to my Sucks buddies with her sitting their in the corner humming "Imagine" to herself and stroking the hair of the Archtard doll she bought on EBay before her arrest.
dagny
Poor crazy Gertrude. I wandered over to her corner, hiding my revulsion.
"Um Gertie? That's a really nice doll. Very pretty. I bet you miss him, huh? Did you know he came out with a new song? Would you like to hear it?"
Like a junkie pleading for a fix, she turned her eyes upward. They were moist with longing and loss.
"Here it is, Gertie. Archie's new song, "Billie Jean!" I popped the headphones into her ears and cranked the volume up on the ipod. She closed her eyes and smiled.
Hah! Now to that phone call.
suckshardcore
I pulled the cellphone out of my pocket and turned around to make sure Gertrude couldn't hear me. She was bopping her head to the music so I figured she hadn't yet realized she wasn't listening to Archie. She was 95 after all and her hearing was going, that's probably why she liked Archie in the first place.
Who to call first I thought, perhaps seaguy, he seemed like an intelligent Cook fan who could inform the other sucksters and get me out of this jam. I dialed his number checking once more on Gertrude to make sure I had my privacy. The phone rang twice and seaguy answered my call. I started to say hi and explain who I was when I felt a jab in the back of my head and suddenly everything went black...
When I came to, I slowly sat up and rubbed the back of my head. Gertrude, that bitch, had been faking it! And there she was pretending to be...
Wait--that isn't Gertrude, is it? I see some of the tattoos, but the jump suit--it's sleeveless! I head over to the bunks, cautious, scared. Oh no! It's Carly Smithson! Gertrude, and my cell phone, are gone.
suckshardcore
I looked at Carly for a moment before I spoke up, I was still a little shaken from being knocked out. "What the hell are you doing here?" I said,
"Aren't you supposed to be appearing on some talk-show today?"
"No, the media circuit ended for me earlier today, they've got to make way for Br...uh I mean this week's eliminated contestant."
"How did you get in here? Why did you hit me? Where's Gertrude?" I asked so many questions I barely had time to breathe in between.
"I'm not sure about how I got here, the last thing I remember was walking out of Ellen's studio and a bunch of guys in masks grabbed me. One of them had a baseball cap on and a couple of them had crow bars, that's all I remember. Then I landed in here. This Gertrude person, did she have a freaky tattoo of a monkey on her neck?"
I almost choked and had to hold back my laughter while I answered her. "Yeah that's Gertrude, it's actual a tattoo of Archuleta." Carly shuddered and then informed me that Gertrude had knocked me out with her Archuleta doll, one of his accessories was a large Pokemon doll, apparently made from metal. She took the cellphone I had used to call seaguy and was aided in her escape by one of the guards who Carly described as being blonde, around 14 and who left a trail of %*$!$ all over the cell which Carly had already wiped up with her oversized maternity top. The iPod was the only thing she left, apparently she mumbled something about not having any of her precious Archiekins to the guard before she left. Carly witnessed all this from around the corner before she was placed in the cell.
I wasn't sure what to say to her next, now we were both stuck, presumably because of Jeff Archuleta and because we were a liability to TCO campaign he had going with Nigel Lythgoe.
Carly was about to tell me why she thinks she was brought to the basement of the Mormon church but stopped when voices could be heard in the corridor. As they rounded the corner it looked as if they were bringing a new prisoner...
dagny
Huh? Christian Siriano? Man, that little dude is everywhere!
"No, the media circuit ended for me earlier today, they've got to make way for Br...uh I mean this week's eliminated contestant."
"How did you get in here? Why did you hit me? Where's Gertrude?" I asked so many questions I barely had time to breathe in between.
"I'm not sure about how I got here, the last thing I remember was walking out of Ellen's studio and a bunch of guys in masks grabbed me. One of them had a baseball cap on and a couple of them had crow bars, that's all I remember. Then I landed in here. This Gertrude person, did she have a freaky tattoo of a monkey on her neck?"
I almost choked and had to hold back my laughter while I answered her. "Yeah that's Gertrude, it's actual a tattoo of Archuleta." Carly shuddered and then informed me that Gertrude had knocked me out with her Archuleta doll, one of his accessories was a large Pokemon doll, apparently made from metal. She took the cellphone I had used to call seaguy and was aided in her escape by one of the guards who Carly described as being blonde, around 14 and who left a trail of %*$!$ all over the cell which Carly had already wiped up with her oversized maternity top. The iPod was the only thing she left, apparently she mumbled something about not having any of her precious Archiekins to the guard before she left. Carly witnessed all this from around the corner before she was placed in the cell.
I wasn't sure what to say to her next, now we were both stuck, presumably because of Jeff Archuleta and because we were a liability to TCO campaign he had going with Nigel Lythgoe.
Carly was about to tell me why she thinks she was brought to the basement of the Mormon church but stopped when voices could be heard in the corridor. As they rounded the corner it looked as if they were bringing a new prisoner...
dagny
The cell door opened and Christian was roughly shoved in. He was in bad shape, obviously drugged, muttering over and over, "OMG! Hot tranny mess! Fierce! Make it Work!"
I couldn't even begin to understand how he had gotten himself involved in this whole sorry scandal. I guess it would have to wait until the drugs wore off. But more importantly, Carly & I needed to come up with a new plan, and fast.
And then I remembered her big 'ol voice and looked up at the bars on the open cell window.
Just then, Christian began to stand up. He was very confused an still woozy.
I grabbed his shoulders, "Christian? Can you hear me? How fast can you sew?"
He head-snapped to lucidity. "Oh no you didn't! How fast can I sew? Are you serious? Did you NOT watch Project Runway? Give me that jumpsuit and I'll have it pleated, puffed and fabulous in 3 minutes!"
I jumped as the door suddenly opened and we were joined by yet another new prisoner.
luckywench
The new prisoner had a bag over his head, but I'd recognize those nipples anywhere. "Simon fucking Cowell?" Did Papachuleta have no shame?
The two middle-aged hags dragging Cowell threw him into the cell.
"You can't just kidnap Simon Cowell. Don't you think people might, uh, notice?" I couldn't believe the eveel TCO plot might be successful.
"Actually, no. The ArchMaster has created a Simon-bot using leftover parts from Archie versions 1 and 2. No one will notice the difference."
"Wait, he's created an artificially intelligent Simon Cowell?"
"Yep. And he's going to praise Archie right into a win." The two house-fraus were positively beaming with excitement.
"We can't allow this." Carly slid me a dark, pointed look. With a subtle nod of her head, she put her maternity top to good use once more, swiping it over the skull of one of the soccer moms...
suckshardcore
Through the red maternity top I could hear the muffled screams of the soccer mom. I thought I heard her say they should have sedated us with one of the Archtard CDs from the cupboard before bringing in the most recent captive, Simon Cowell. Carly was struggling to hold on as the other soccer mom kicked her in an attempt to save her partner from the tattooed girl's grasp. She yelled to Christian for help while I attempted to untie Simon. Christian was unresponsive, the drugs hadn't worn off and all he could do was sit in the corner that Gertrude had formerly occupied and babble about what a hot mess the cell was.
I eventually managed to untie Simon once I realized that the soccer moms had tied him up using an over sized I <3 Archuleta sweatshirt. It was too late though, Carly had been knocked out and the soccer moms had left the cell, making sure it was locked securely.
"That was like be forced to listen to lions in heat on a cruise ship" Simon blurted out. I was tempted to ask him how he landed in the cell in the bottom of the Mormon church but I figured I'd better hold off. Every time I attempted to get closer to the truth something bad would happen. I wanted to be sure the soccer moms were out of ear shot and that we wouldn't be getting any new prisoners in the near future before I talked to my fellow prisoners. Suddenly I heard a loud snort and "they're after me lucky charms" and I knew Carly was coming to...
Feel free to contribute to our crazy story.
